and the reaction is...

i just watched a flat because i need a new room. it was beautiful and the persons who live there are nice and i thought, wow, it would be great to live here. but then i asked about smoking and they don´t smoke inside there, only on the balcony. so this story was over.
fuck
i drove back in my flat and when i arrived in my room i had this feeling, when everything inside of you is screaming for food, anything to eat. it´s so crazy. pefect example for this whole mess. something bad happens and the reaction is desire for food.
i ate a jogurt (low-fat, of course, but 59kcal nevertheless, damn shit). and now i´m starting to get drunk. (much more calories, i know, i know)
it´s funny, tomorrow i have the next meeting with my new therapist. i think he will be upset because of the alcohol. but i don´t care about that. it´s better than eating. or b/p. or cutting (which would be not possible because i don´t have any razorblades).
i should tell myself that this means that any better room/flat is waiting for me. and that it´s good, maybe, because they are medics so there would be the risk that they´ll notice something of the rest of my ED.
but it doesn´t work right now to flush away this not differentiable bad feeling.
so. another cigarette. another drink.
cheers

This was all for nothing and we´re setting for an encore

today i had the first meeting with my new therapist.
maybe i should laugh at myself. in fact it´s daffy to focus the hope of everything in this, but that´s what i did, at least i was hoping that he could tell me anything which would help me to overcome this week...riddiculous.
i mean he asked me how the eating-thing is working, and i said "i´m still eating". and that was it. then he asked about my weight and than about other things. but he didn´t asked me HOW i´m eating. and how i feel about that. or how i feel about my weight. maybe he thinks everything must be okay in this way, because my weight is still "normal"? what a fuck.
and he didn´t asked me anytime, how i´m feeling generally. nice!
and i´m angry about myself because i wasn´t able to tell him "the situation" unasked.
well, nevermind, it´s too late now, maybe it works next week, but i´m trying to stop hoping that hard for it.

_deadlocked_

today i was at my mother´s house. she´s always making a lot of cookies in christmas time. my control was fading away, fuck fuck fuck, i ate some. i don´t know how much, which is so bad, because it means i was really out of control.
i hate myself now for these fucking cookies, my fucking weakness, my fucking existance.
i wish i could be restricitve, because then this whole thing would be easier. i just want my eating disorder back. the control. the great feeling of an empty stomach. the feeling of bones everywhere. a thin body. everything.
but i am NOT restrictive. and i´m afraid of binge/purge, because this was the worst thing and i don´t want this shit again. and i know my ED wouldn´t work without it. and that´s the whole mess.
i am fat. i am ugly. i hate myself for eating. i hate myself for being so fat.

i am deadlocked.

i have no energy anymore.
i hate my work, but i have to go there, because i need money and i need anything like future, but i really don´t know how to hold out.
all i would like to do is staying in my bed.
and getting thin

sentimental standard-shit

i´m getting drunk right now, calories in addition, yes, and that´s what i´m trying to drink away...
it seems as if the whole day just consits of eating, no eating, thinking about food, comparing calories, counting up the things i ate and drunk, thinking about the next thing i will put inside of my body, what this could be, what would be okay, acceptable, at least partly...
this whole war every day, it makes me tired, but i can´t stop it
maybe it´s hard to admit, but it´s the only thing i can hold on to...that´s sad, i mean, no other goals, which are important enough? no other things that can fill me, my life?
but me- who´s that? and life - which life?
yes i´m talking sentimental standard-shit, i´m sorry

these little steps back

yesterday i wasn´t at school. i overleeped, but i stood up anyway, but then there comes the most critical part: what should i wear today? so this was the point where my little burn-out was complete, i went back to bed and slept away the day.
i ate just little things, not much, the most predicative thing was perhaps my dinner: salad. and just a thin slice of bread. with nothing on it.

little setbacks
so we will see to what it will develop

the funny thing is, that i know i should try to stop it, but why? and how? it´s so easy to tell somebody to stop acting like this, that you have to "want" it. but that´s not the point.

i thought about start writing in a forum for self-help with ED, but i think they would tell me the very same, and that´s shit.
i noticed that it brings me more to write here, even though i get no answers, but that´s not the point. i can say what i want, without any limitation. and this helps me somehow.

last night i got drunk, together with a boy, i met before i "went away" those three months, we kissed two times, but there was nothing more. however, so he was in my flat and then we watched a movie and after this we both were really tired so he stayed over in my bed.
it started that he took my hand, then touched my back, and so on, and while we were kissing i felt terrible and i started to think: i have to get thin, i have to get thin!!!!!!!!!! the worst thing was when he touched my stomach, the fat flabby thing
i was able to tell him, that i think that this is a bad plan, so it stopped before anything could earnestly happen.
i hate such things, not just because of being not thin, but generally.
the only difference of being thin would be - in situatiaions like that - , that i would think: at least i´m thin (while hoping that it will be over soon and quickly)

so now i´m starting to feel ugly and i don´t know what i should do the whole day.
damn shit.
i cleaned the flat for hours (>burning calories) and now...?
...the big nothing...

oh you did it

i trew up again. the first time since i think 2months.
yeah...what should i say...
i cooked my dinner. and it was too salty. but i ate it anyway. like a mashine. i didn´t really taste it. i didn´t really notice what i was doing.
and after that i felt horrible. this ugly food in my stomach. panic. panic. panic.
i thought about this before, if it´s worth it, if i should really do this, but then there was the point where it doesn´t matter anymore, where only the fact is important, that this ugly food is in your stomach, that there is something in your stomach, that you´re feeling so horrible, that everything is horrible.
after my visit on the toilet everything´s horrible, still, and i´m feeling like that, still, but at least the food isn´t in my stomach anymore

until it rains and lets us down

last night i was sleeping for only 4 hours, so i was overtired today. the point thereby is, that everything is harder. not just to stay awake. i mean all the things which are coming from outside and inside. it´s harder to keep the mask on. the whole building out of defense mechanisms starts to nutate and the bad thing is that it breaks sometimes at some areas...
maybe these are the moments where you can see how fragile you are...fucked...fucked up!
or maybe it just feels like that because i´m tired?
however - i drank a lot of coffee, coffee with sweetener and a minimum of milk - like in former times, so this is one of the habits i still practice
the forbidden food is getting more and more...subtly. after the clinic there were some things i didn´t touch, on top for example oil, butter, cream, cheese. and of course there were lot´s of things i was afraid of, but i tried to stop thinking about that and take it anyway. but it works decreasingly.
are these those little steps back into "real" anorexia? or is this just the little rest of it?
the worst thing is that the ravenousness is always around and it´s getting more. even though i really try to eat regularly and enough, whatever this is, because i have no feeling for repletion. i mean i can feel that there is something inside of me, but it´s not enough, no matter how much i eat. it´s to puke. that´s what i would like to do.
to eat without a limit, to fill this emptiness, to make the pressure go away, to puke out this damn i-don´t-know-what inside of me, which makes me insane.
i really don´t know how i long i can control it furthermore.

i can´t take it anymore
- but i have to
which makes this whole mess even more crappy

ships with holes will sink

things are getting out of control. again.
two weeks holiday from my apprenticeship, so much time i have to fill, nothing to do, empty time, empty like me, so this mixture means nothing good...
i´m starting to sleep very long, too long. and it starts again, that everytime i awake i´m thinking: why should i get up? and there´s no reason. so i´m falling asleep again.
the structure is missing.
sometimes i eat nothing for a long time (i mean proportional to now). sometimes i could eat everything. sometimes i eat too much. and i hate myself for doing this. my therapist in the clinic would tell me now, that there is something missing and i try to fill it with food.
OF COURSE THERE´S SOMETHING MISSING
always
i can feel it everyday, this emptiness, this pressure, this feeling that i have to do something to fill it, to make it go away.
but i don´t know what it is. and i don´t know what can stop it.
and sometimes i wish it wouldn´t matter if i would start to eat without any limit - and then...dear toilet, i´m back
but this is no option anymore
i don´t want it to be one
but sometimes i do
and in the last days even more
and this scares me
really

"do i look fat in this?"

the book i´m reading currently is about feeling fat and the woman who wrote it thinks, that the feeling "fat" doesn´t exist, because there are always other feelings behind that.
i thought about that today, and it´s insane, ´cause that means, that i´m always feeling empty, sad, worthless, weak, uncontrolled, debased, miserable, insecure, disappointed, fearful, frustrated...or anything like that...and if i look behind that - it´s true...i always feel like that
and this would mean, that anything in my life went totally wrong, because i think nobody feels like that without any reason...even though the reason is not aware
i wish i would know my reasons...but maybe this would change nothing
an the strange thing - again - i have to do some sport, really, my stomach is flabby, but it has to be firm, accurately defined. and i have to clean the flat, i hate that, but it burns calories, so there´s no way out

*fucking ambivalence

i thought about never writing here again. and i thought about never visit other blogs again.
but this was one of the first things i did when i was "back".
"back" - whatever this means...back in life? probably not. but maybe a kind of direction to it?
so i´m trying to eat regularly. by and large it´s kind of working, sometimes it fails, and all in all it´s still a war. alsways. in my head. and often in behavior.
supermarket means horror. sometimes it takes more than 10min just to choose which yogurt i should take - the light-version or the one with 3kcal more, the one with less calories but 0,3gramm sugar more than the one with 0,5gramm fat less. should i take some fish, because it´s healthy, but even there´s no fat inside, i couldn´t drink juice, because this would be too much, too much calories, but maybe it would be okay if i would do sport after it...or should i eat less tomorrow?
my god, this whole shit is going on, only in a more "normal" version, and i think, everybody would say, "she´s eating so everything´s okay", but it´s not.
i still hate myself, sometimes even more because i eat so much things which are not okay, which are absolutely illegal - in the world of anorexia.
but i´m trying. i have to. because there´s no chance to feel good, to live instead to survive, with an eating disorder. even though she´s always in my head. she´s always around...
and yes. i feel fat. i am fat. but i always felt fat, even in times, when my BMI was 16.1, when people told me i am too (TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!) thin, when i had the body i always adored on pictures on thinspo-sites - but the point is: i didn´t saw that i had this body. i didn´t feel it.
it´s an illusion.
it´s a lie.
so i´m trying to tell myself, that it doesn´t matter if i feel fat because i would feel fat, too, if i wouldn´t be it. maybe even more then.

[but in private...sometimes i´m jealous of all those, who still live in this world...i mean really live in, not like me (because i´m eating and i´m not underweight anymore)]

*fucking ambivalence

*paradoxical goodbye

so this is going to be my last night
tomorrow i will drive to the clinic. paradoxical. everything. hoping this will change something and trying to get thinner in the last minutes i have at the same time
things like that
strange, but that´s the way it´s in my head - i mean i will go there because of anorexia, and that´s sure, but i´m still trying to be as thin as it´s possible when i´ll arrive there because i have to attest that i REALLY have an ED.
my god, and now i want to b/p, even though i was so fucking sure i won´t do that today because there´s always the risk to get a bloated tummy at the next day, which means i will look fat, and even if not (even if it´s just because of clothing) i will feel fat
horrible, this whole fucking shit
i hate it i hate it i hate it
i want to get out
tomorrow
here´s my chance
maybe

[why can´t i be thin?]

(...and why does this change nothing at all, even if i would be...)

time is ticking

my last week. the last week in this world. at least for the present. maybe forever...
i´ve got a place on a treatment program. and it starts next week. and i really don´t know how i feel about that. or rather it´s a mix out of different feelings and it´s always changing.
sometimes i´m just feeling eased and kind of happy when i think about that. because maybe this whole mess will have an end
sometimes i´m really afraid. what if this will change nothing? i think my biggest fear is that i´m just getting fat - fat in eyes like ours, probably "normal" at the rate of others - and that i will be able to eat "normal" and things like that, but that i will be just at the same place from which i started to take refuse in this world.
and sometimes, like today, everything feels incredible horrible. i don´t want to leave this world. i don´t want to get fat.

yesterday i ate absolutely nothing. so today i was back at my favourite number on the scale.
it seems like my bones were coming out more again.
some days ago i lost a ring just because i swinged my arm a little bit so it flew away from my finger. crazy.
and i have a new skirt. i really like it. but i can´t wear it. not because i´m too fat. it´s because i´m too thin for it. and it´s the smallest size. my god. kind of scary.
and maybe REALLY scary is the fact that it still feels too much.
i AM too much!

and even though i hate it and even though i often wish that i could get out and that it doesn´t matter anymore if my coffee looks too bright in my eyes because it was too much milk i put inside of it...damn, things like that, so trivial
but anyhow
it is a world
it is something
it´s always there
it turns me on
it makes sense
somehow

but maybe it is worth a try
(and now i know, i am able to get thinner...and if this whole thing doesn´t work, i can be sure, that there is something, that will work...there will always be the opportunity to come back...)

thinner thinner thinner [anything is working!]

my thighs are thinner!!! oh my god i´m so excited.
i saw it a little while ago, when i checked up my body in the mirror before i went into the shower. no doubt!
if i´m just standing there normal, my thighs don´t touch each other, but that´s nothing new. but if you move your pelvis forward and backward without moving your upper part of the body, then this changes.
so far my thighs were touching each other if i moved my pelvis just a little bit forward and in some bad times i even had to move it a little bit backward so that there´s this distance between them.
but today they are only touching each other if i move my pelvis forwards as much as i can.
oh my god. oh my god. oh my god.
i´m so happy. and proud. kind of proud. because whatever it was - i did something right!
even though i didn´t lose weight. but i´m getting thinner. and i knew that before. that you can get thinner without losing weight. i mean again and again i can see and feel my bones coming out more and more. and again and again i can see and feel new bones. and again and again i can see and feel my clothes are getting more roomy
or just when i stood under the shower i noticed that it´s getting harder to shave my underarms because it becomes more and more like holes
and that´s always great.
but today...it feels like as if there´s a smaller number on my scale. and i think you all know this feeling. it´s so special. i hope i don´t lose that for the rest of the day

the letch fucks the fawn

i should go to bed. i´ve slept 3hours last night. and i had a day full of action. but all in all...good...great...beautiful...even though sometimes exhausting...but however:

it was children´s day!
best day of the year.
(at least for me)

because of that i decided not to eat anything (yeah i know that´s what i decide nearly every day) and of course no binge/purge. failure at all! whole day nothing. but evening - fuck
i´m feeling horrible.
i would like to binge/purge again just to stop thinking and feeling anything. but my throat hurts. i really shouldn´t do that
there are these days or moments, which are beautiful, great, whatever. and you can´t really believe that this really happened. but you know it did. and everything is okay for one moment. or some more.
but then
anytime
you can be sure
it will come
the point...where this good feeling turns into something different.
kind of hard sadness.
mixed with something else.
i can´t really describe it
NEVERMIND

well well well well

i want to have this body and this beauty
of children
this thing you can´t really describe, because words will never be enough for that
this special kind of innocence
untouchable
but so dazzling

i want to be an elfin

something, that you see, and it touches you somewhere - deep inside, and you could never find words for that, because it´s so amazing
someone you would never never never like to fuck

my god i´m writing shit
sorry

illusions_fabrications_lies_lies_LIES

is life worth dying for?

i´ve just watched a movie. there was one little scene.
a man was walking over a bridge and he saw a woman who was climbing up the balustrade. he started talking to her and tried to distract her from jumping.
strange situation
when i see things like that i always think about what i would say if i would be in such a situation...and i´m really not sure if i would try to distract this person from doing that at all...
but this man said: nothing is that important.
anyhow that´s right...maybe it´s sad...maybe it makes me wish even more that everything is over
but it reminds me of my favourite sentence in this context
is life worth dying for?
this distracted me in former times from trying to end everything
because it isn´t

but sometimes i start to think, if this does matter...or if it would be better if everything would be just over
and i wonder if anybody in a s[h]ituation like ours does really hope, no, BELIEVE, that this whole thing is getting better anytime...that things do really change...
or if things like therapies are just big illusions and finally lies
because maybe this whole mess is not only an illness we just have to get healed from

maybe this whole mess is
what it´s all about

...but you can't keep holding out like this...

things are getting out of control.

it´s just too bad, and in fact really embarrassing, but i have to write it down - i hope this will have an effect, sort of a thinspiration the other way round, like if you don´t want to see the number on your scale, because you know that you´ve gained weight, but you do anyway, and sometimes this is shocking in such a way that it´s not really hard to stay in control for some time
however

yesterday i ate absolutely nothing all day long.
(maybe i could be proud of that, but i´m not because the following beats the pants off this little success)
at night i started a binge-purge-round without really thinking about it, i just did it because it became so normal. bullshit. to make matters worse i ate one potatoe, one apple and 3 (!!!!!!!!) toasts AFTER that - means it stayed inside my body.
i tried to tell myself that it doesn´t really matter, even though i KNOW for sure it does.
then i forced myself to go to bed.
and 4hours later i woke up. and i walked into the kitchen. and i took one gem. and ate it. and i took one potatoe. and ate it. and i went back to bed and tried to sleep. but it didn´t work because i felt so terrible full and terrible terrible fat and horrible bad.

i´m incredible weak and daffy

i really don´t know what´s wrong with me currently!
when i realised that there´s no chance to fall asleep again i started another binge-purge- mess. now i´m feeling better. a little bit. my stomach feels and looks like a balloon, but not as bad as before. but anyhow totally bloated. and my face..........

so
i have to stop to grouch now - it´s my own fault.

i need a plan. i must get back control! and i can´t wait for that or hope that it will come by itself. i did that all too often. and it didn´t really change a thing.
i don´t want to feel and look like a balloon anymore.
i don´t want to feel so bad and guilty because my power to refuse is fading away.
unfortunately i have to get back to my "ANA-set-point" first of all.
and THEN:
attain the goal!

i thought about this the whole day. and i´m intent on finding a plan. i read about the abc-thing in other blogs. maybe i will try to include this partly...but i´m not sure yet

it´s certain that i´ll buy a new scale.
the one i always used is a really really old one and you always have to adjust it before you can use it and things like that and however, i can´t trust this anymore.
and i decided to use this figuratively for a new start.

speculations
so far
but i´m working on it



ps
if anybody has found something to keep yourself away from binge-purge (which doesn´t "only" include control) > i would be so thankful if you would let me know

The fucking ship is breaking upNo one here can fucking swim

so i´m back at this point. i hate it!
a few days ago i reached again the weight i want. and now it´s gone again. i hate myself for being so fucking weak.
the weight i have to bear now is such a never-ending-story. when i reached it the first time it was great, of course, because it was less than before. but it went among and i loved this number. this number AMONG. and then it turned up again. and there it stayed. and stays. and stays. and stays.
it seems like it´s my new set-point, my ANA-set-point...
sometimes it turns down again for a few days. but i am not able to hold this. why oh why
i tried a lot of things but it seems like the longer as my body is in this deficiency the harder it is to loose weight. i thought about former times and how much i ate and how much drinks i had, which were full of calories and fat because i didn´t thought about that in this times. of course all those things were much fewer than normal, that´s why i lost weight. and lost it. and lost it.
and i dream about these times and how easy it was. compared to now. damn!
i mean, if anything, i eat such little things (even though it´s too much in my head) and i always try to make it fewer and to displace it with food which is not so dangerous. and i´m doing sports even more and i´m trying to boost it.
but it seems that i´m only able to loose weight if i am able to eat absolutely nothing for 2days minimum. and this sounds so easy. but it isn´t.
gosh darn it, i hate myself, i hate, this fucking number, i hate this existance, everything
oh god why can´t i be restrictive???

running in circles

sometimes i miss to talk about things. everything. but especially this.
there were never a lot of people i could really talk to, but there were some...but they are gone
i think it was hard for them, when it started. but in former times i could talk to them about that. but it started to be part of my excixtance. and it´s strange, in fact kind of sad, to see how everybody is fading away by and by...
it´s not bearable anymore for them
it IS not bearable
it never was
that´s why i got here
that´s why it became part of everything
that´s why it IS everything
i know it´s bad. i know it´s no remedy.
but somehow it is. because maybe i wouldn´t excist anymore, if it wouldn´t be there...

however

i want to have the opportunity to say:
i lost weight and i´m proud of that.
or:
damn, why can´t i be thin?
i want to say that without anybody who looks at me as if i´m insane, without the feeling that this person doesn´t want to hear that, without reactions like: it´s nothing you should be proud of, you ARE thin or why don´t you force yourself to eat
even though i can understand reactions like that partly. but i don´t want to hear that. i know that by myself. but it doesn´t help in any way