everything is different and nothing has changed

i have a picture next to my bed, me as a child, maybe 4 years old, walking on a street, smiling...

when my father saw it, he said, that´s how he remember me - a happy smiling girl.

when i see it, i remember how i felt as a child - sad. bad. too much. a big fail.

sometimes, when i see little children on the street, i wonder how they might feel. and sometimes, just for a moment, it´s so back-breaking sad, to imagine that such little innocent ones must bear such horrible feelings...

right now
still starving
loosing weight
still too much

i´m tired of sadness

new year. old mess.

defining the next low is getting my new "what-i-managed-today"

seems like everything defys control. maybe because there IS no control.
control is an illusion.
but it pretends secureness.
who don´t want to feel secured...

so, hello, sweet starvation.
too long that i tried to ignore you.
now you´re welcome.

maybe this will work, at least one thing...
the scale will show

yes, it makes damn sad sense to be addicted

i want to FEEL thinner

i´m feeling like the last fat ass

i´m underweight again
and i´m still feeling like fucking set-point-fatness

no difference - only that i know the number on the scale and the number in the bmi-calculater which tells me "you are underweight - the normal bmi in your age is..."

gosh, i hate my perverse head

how we got insane?

today - two weeks no binge/purging.
two weeks
longest time since nearly one year.
wow.
somehow i´m proud of myself.
otherwise, it sounds so stupid. and if i think about it, it´s actually so damn sad. miserbale.
i´m feeling horrible. right now i can FEEL it.
i tried to ignore it, i tried to concentrate on all these good things which happen, which ARE. there is no reason to feel like this, if there are so much beautiful things...
but anyhow i knew, there is this emptiness and sadness, which i can´t describe.
it´s inside, always, no matter what´s happening outside.
sometimes it´s hidden, sometimes i can ignore it, sometimes it seems to be away, because other things, feelings, are stronger, just for a moment...
and i don´t want it to come back.
but it does.
no place to hide.
"will you be fast enough to lose them - or will they catch you...
run for your life"

just one hour ago i was together with a beautiful person
who look sat me like i´m special, who gives me that feeling, who says this to me
i should be happy, it´s so amazing, yes it is, and i felt happy, much more than that, i can´t describe how wonderful i felt
but now, i´m in my flat, and it seems like a whole crash

it doesn´t make sense

looking in the eyes of a carousel

i lost 400gramm in a few days... yes, i started to use my scale again. i think i shouldn´t do that, but i am too interested what it might show. and it feels so undescribable calming to see that it´s not more - and so amazing to see it´s less than before.
hell, i know, that´s the decoy.
the temptation which pins me down on the carousel.
this damn one which never stops turning...

in this world "logic" means something different

curiously i´m holding my weight, even though i´m eating...
does that mean i´m doing something right? probably.
it´s my first goal weight, or should i say it WAS my first goal weight in times when it started to go down... how beautiful that was... smaller numbers
yesterday i started crying in front of the mirror while i watched my body. it´s kind of scary how distorted i am in my head...
and even if i realize that, it doesn´t help anyhow. i can´t see my body as it is. i´m feeling fat, even though i can feel and see my bones. i´m always afraid to eat too much, even though i have the same weight since months, and this is NOT my set-point, it´s less. maybe that´s why it´s so cold again...

nobody even cares

i´m back. since 3weeks or something. senseless. it was all for nothing.
they said the ambulant treatment is important, in the long term.
so, apparently they thought they don´t have to work with me on ANYTHING.
well, what a surprise, nothing changed. it´s even kind of worse than before.
i fell back in depression. everything is so empty. senseless. HOPELESS.
i mean, what should i do now... how can i know that the opportunity of getting better really excists...
however
the eating-thing...hell... i´m not able to decide which direction i should take. so i´m anywhere between. binge/purge every evening. eating nothing at daytime, or only some little things and sometimes i think i have to eat healthy for stop purging. but i can´t. i can´t. i can´t. i can´t get this set-point-body again. i want to loose weight. and somehow i know this is the wrong way. and then i think, everything is a mess, and with this way i have something which keeps me alive...
disaster. that´s what i mean.