*paradoxical goodbye

so this is going to be my last night
tomorrow i will drive to the clinic. paradoxical. everything. hoping this will change something and trying to get thinner in the last minutes i have at the same time
things like that
strange, but that´s the way it´s in my head - i mean i will go there because of anorexia, and that´s sure, but i´m still trying to be as thin as it´s possible when i´ll arrive there because i have to attest that i REALLY have an ED.
my god, and now i want to b/p, even though i was so fucking sure i won´t do that today because there´s always the risk to get a bloated tummy at the next day, which means i will look fat, and even if not (even if it´s just because of clothing) i will feel fat
horrible, this whole fucking shit
i hate it i hate it i hate it
i want to get out
tomorrow
here´s my chance
maybe

[why can´t i be thin?]

(...and why does this change nothing at all, even if i would be...)