yesterday i wasn´t at school. i overleeped, but i stood up anyway, but then there comes the most critical part: what should i wear today? so this was the point where my little burn-out was complete, i went back to bed and slept away the day.
i ate just little things, not much, the most predicative thing was perhaps my dinner: salad. and just a thin slice of bread. with nothing on it.
little setbacks
so we will see to what it will develop
the funny thing is, that i know i should try to stop it, but why? and how? it´s so easy to tell somebody to stop acting like this, that you have to "want" it. but that´s not the point.
i thought about start writing in a forum for self-help with ED, but i think they would tell me the very same, and that´s shit.
i noticed that it brings me more to write here, even though i get no answers, but that´s not the point. i can say what i want, without any limitation. and this helps me somehow.
last night i got drunk, together with a boy, i met before i "went away" those three months, we kissed two times, but there was nothing more. however, so he was in my flat and then we watched a movie and after this we both were really tired so he stayed over in my bed.
it started that he took my hand, then touched my back, and so on, and while we were kissing i felt terrible and i started to think: i have to get thin, i have to get thin!!!!!!!!!! the worst thing was when he touched my stomach, the fat flabby thing
i was able to tell him, that i think that this is a bad plan, so it stopped before anything could earnestly happen.
i hate such things, not just because of being not thin, but generally.
the only difference of being thin would be - in situatiaions like that - , that i would think: at least i´m thin (while hoping that it will be over soon and quickly)
so now i´m starting to feel ugly and i don´t know what i should do the whole day.
damn shit.
i cleaned the flat for hours (>burning calories) and now...?
...the big nothing...
Freitag, 30. Oktober 2009
Donnerstag, 29. Oktober 2009
oh you did it
i trew up again. the first time since i think 2months.
yeah...what should i say...
i cooked my dinner. and it was too salty. but i ate it anyway. like a mashine. i didn´t really taste it. i didn´t really notice what i was doing.
and after that i felt horrible. this ugly food in my stomach. panic. panic. panic.
i thought about this before, if it´s worth it, if i should really do this, but then there was the point where it doesn´t matter anymore, where only the fact is important, that this ugly food is in your stomach, that there is something in your stomach, that you´re feeling so horrible, that everything is horrible.
after my visit on the toilet everything´s horrible, still, and i´m feeling like that, still, but at least the food isn´t in my stomach anymore
yeah...what should i say...
i cooked my dinner. and it was too salty. but i ate it anyway. like a mashine. i didn´t really taste it. i didn´t really notice what i was doing.
and after that i felt horrible. this ugly food in my stomach. panic. panic. panic.
i thought about this before, if it´s worth it, if i should really do this, but then there was the point where it doesn´t matter anymore, where only the fact is important, that this ugly food is in your stomach, that there is something in your stomach, that you´re feeling so horrible, that everything is horrible.
after my visit on the toilet everything´s horrible, still, and i´m feeling like that, still, but at least the food isn´t in my stomach anymore
Mittwoch, 28. Oktober 2009
until it rains and lets us down
last night i was sleeping for only 4 hours, so i was overtired today. the point thereby is, that everything is harder. not just to stay awake. i mean all the things which are coming from outside and inside. it´s harder to keep the mask on. the whole building out of defense mechanisms starts to nutate and the bad thing is that it breaks sometimes at some areas...
maybe these are the moments where you can see how fragile you are...fucked...fucked up!
or maybe it just feels like that because i´m tired?
however - i drank a lot of coffee, coffee with sweetener and a minimum of milk - like in former times, so this is one of the habits i still practice
the forbidden food is getting more and more...subtly. after the clinic there were some things i didn´t touch, on top for example oil, butter, cream, cheese. and of course there were lot´s of things i was afraid of, but i tried to stop thinking about that and take it anyway. but it works decreasingly.
are these those little steps back into "real" anorexia? or is this just the little rest of it?
the worst thing is that the ravenousness is always around and it´s getting more. even though i really try to eat regularly and enough, whatever this is, because i have no feeling for repletion. i mean i can feel that there is something inside of me, but it´s not enough, no matter how much i eat. it´s to puke. that´s what i would like to do.
to eat without a limit, to fill this emptiness, to make the pressure go away, to puke out this damn i-don´t-know-what inside of me, which makes me insane.
i really don´t know how i long i can control it furthermore.
i can´t take it anymore
- but i have to
which makes this whole mess even more crappy
maybe these are the moments where you can see how fragile you are...fucked...fucked up!
or maybe it just feels like that because i´m tired?
however - i drank a lot of coffee, coffee with sweetener and a minimum of milk - like in former times, so this is one of the habits i still practice
the forbidden food is getting more and more...subtly. after the clinic there were some things i didn´t touch, on top for example oil, butter, cream, cheese. and of course there were lot´s of things i was afraid of, but i tried to stop thinking about that and take it anyway. but it works decreasingly.
are these those little steps back into "real" anorexia? or is this just the little rest of it?
the worst thing is that the ravenousness is always around and it´s getting more. even though i really try to eat regularly and enough, whatever this is, because i have no feeling for repletion. i mean i can feel that there is something inside of me, but it´s not enough, no matter how much i eat. it´s to puke. that´s what i would like to do.
to eat without a limit, to fill this emptiness, to make the pressure go away, to puke out this damn i-don´t-know-what inside of me, which makes me insane.
i really don´t know how i long i can control it furthermore.
i can´t take it anymore
- but i have to
which makes this whole mess even more crappy
Freitag, 16. Oktober 2009
ships with holes will sink
things are getting out of control. again.
two weeks holiday from my apprenticeship, so much time i have to fill, nothing to do, empty time, empty like me, so this mixture means nothing good...
i´m starting to sleep very long, too long. and it starts again, that everytime i awake i´m thinking: why should i get up? and there´s no reason. so i´m falling asleep again.
the structure is missing.
sometimes i eat nothing for a long time (i mean proportional to now). sometimes i could eat everything. sometimes i eat too much. and i hate myself for doing this. my therapist in the clinic would tell me now, that there is something missing and i try to fill it with food.
OF COURSE THERE´S SOMETHING MISSING
always
i can feel it everyday, this emptiness, this pressure, this feeling that i have to do something to fill it, to make it go away.
but i don´t know what it is. and i don´t know what can stop it.
and sometimes i wish it wouldn´t matter if i would start to eat without any limit - and then...dear toilet, i´m back
but this is no option anymore
i don´t want it to be one
but sometimes i do
and in the last days even more
and this scares me
really
two weeks holiday from my apprenticeship, so much time i have to fill, nothing to do, empty time, empty like me, so this mixture means nothing good...
i´m starting to sleep very long, too long. and it starts again, that everytime i awake i´m thinking: why should i get up? and there´s no reason. so i´m falling asleep again.
the structure is missing.
sometimes i eat nothing for a long time (i mean proportional to now). sometimes i could eat everything. sometimes i eat too much. and i hate myself for doing this. my therapist in the clinic would tell me now, that there is something missing and i try to fill it with food.
OF COURSE THERE´S SOMETHING MISSING
always
i can feel it everyday, this emptiness, this pressure, this feeling that i have to do something to fill it, to make it go away.
but i don´t know what it is. and i don´t know what can stop it.
and sometimes i wish it wouldn´t matter if i would start to eat without any limit - and then...dear toilet, i´m back
but this is no option anymore
i don´t want it to be one
but sometimes i do
and in the last days even more
and this scares me
really
Donnerstag, 15. Oktober 2009
"do i look fat in this?"
the book i´m reading currently is about feeling fat and the woman who wrote it thinks, that the feeling "fat" doesn´t exist, because there are always other feelings behind that.
i thought about that today, and it´s insane, ´cause that means, that i´m always feeling empty, sad, worthless, weak, uncontrolled, debased, miserable, insecure, disappointed, fearful, frustrated...or anything like that...and if i look behind that - it´s true...i always feel like that
and this would mean, that anything in my life went totally wrong, because i think nobody feels like that without any reason...even though the reason is not aware
i wish i would know my reasons...but maybe this would change nothing
an the strange thing - again - i have to do some sport, really, my stomach is flabby, but it has to be firm, accurately defined. and i have to clean the flat, i hate that, but it burns calories, so there´s no way out
i thought about that today, and it´s insane, ´cause that means, that i´m always feeling empty, sad, worthless, weak, uncontrolled, debased, miserable, insecure, disappointed, fearful, frustrated...or anything like that...and if i look behind that - it´s true...i always feel like that
and this would mean, that anything in my life went totally wrong, because i think nobody feels like that without any reason...even though the reason is not aware
i wish i would know my reasons...but maybe this would change nothing
an the strange thing - again - i have to do some sport, really, my stomach is flabby, but it has to be firm, accurately defined. and i have to clean the flat, i hate that, but it burns calories, so there´s no way out
Dienstag, 13. Oktober 2009
*fucking ambivalence
i thought about never writing here again. and i thought about never visit other blogs again.
but this was one of the first things i did when i was "back".
"back" - whatever this means...back in life? probably not. but maybe a kind of direction to it?
so i´m trying to eat regularly. by and large it´s kind of working, sometimes it fails, and all in all it´s still a war. alsways. in my head. and often in behavior.
supermarket means horror. sometimes it takes more than 10min just to choose which yogurt i should take - the light-version or the one with 3kcal more, the one with less calories but 0,3gramm sugar more than the one with 0,5gramm fat less. should i take some fish, because it´s healthy, but even there´s no fat inside, i couldn´t drink juice, because this would be too much, too much calories, but maybe it would be okay if i would do sport after it...or should i eat less tomorrow?
my god, this whole shit is going on, only in a more "normal" version, and i think, everybody would say, "she´s eating so everything´s okay", but it´s not.
i still hate myself, sometimes even more because i eat so much things which are not okay, which are absolutely illegal - in the world of anorexia.
but i´m trying. i have to. because there´s no chance to feel good, to live instead to survive, with an eating disorder. even though she´s always in my head. she´s always around...
and yes. i feel fat. i am fat. but i always felt fat, even in times, when my BMI was 16.1, when people told me i am too (TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!) thin, when i had the body i always adored on pictures on thinspo-sites - but the point is: i didn´t saw that i had this body. i didn´t feel it.
it´s an illusion.
it´s a lie.
so i´m trying to tell myself, that it doesn´t matter if i feel fat because i would feel fat, too, if i wouldn´t be it. maybe even more then.
[but in private...sometimes i´m jealous of all those, who still live in this world...i mean really live in, not like me (because i´m eating and i´m not underweight anymore)]
*fucking ambivalence
but this was one of the first things i did when i was "back".
"back" - whatever this means...back in life? probably not. but maybe a kind of direction to it?
so i´m trying to eat regularly. by and large it´s kind of working, sometimes it fails, and all in all it´s still a war. alsways. in my head. and often in behavior.
supermarket means horror. sometimes it takes more than 10min just to choose which yogurt i should take - the light-version or the one with 3kcal more, the one with less calories but 0,3gramm sugar more than the one with 0,5gramm fat less. should i take some fish, because it´s healthy, but even there´s no fat inside, i couldn´t drink juice, because this would be too much, too much calories, but maybe it would be okay if i would do sport after it...or should i eat less tomorrow?
my god, this whole shit is going on, only in a more "normal" version, and i think, everybody would say, "she´s eating so everything´s okay", but it´s not.
i still hate myself, sometimes even more because i eat so much things which are not okay, which are absolutely illegal - in the world of anorexia.
but i´m trying. i have to. because there´s no chance to feel good, to live instead to survive, with an eating disorder. even though she´s always in my head. she´s always around...
and yes. i feel fat. i am fat. but i always felt fat, even in times, when my BMI was 16.1, when people told me i am too (TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!) thin, when i had the body i always adored on pictures on thinspo-sites - but the point is: i didn´t saw that i had this body. i didn´t feel it.
it´s an illusion.
it´s a lie.
so i´m trying to tell myself, that it doesn´t matter if i feel fat because i would feel fat, too, if i wouldn´t be it. maybe even more then.
[but in private...sometimes i´m jealous of all those, who still live in this world...i mean really live in, not like me (because i´m eating and i´m not underweight anymore)]
*fucking ambivalence
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