the weight of consequence

i think i lost some weight. a dress, which was really tight so far, fits now...strange
i didn´t eat much in the last days and i didn´t binge/purge since wendsday. i had to go to the dentist and my tooth are full of caries, so they had to fix a lot and then i got a bill and i thought i´ll get crazy because now i have to pay a lot of money. so i decided this is the fact which tells me: YOU HAVE TO STOP PURGING!!! now this bill hangs in my flat so that i can always see it. and that it will always remind me, what it will bring if i do it again.
so maybe i will be able to get restrictive...finally...hopefully...

caged in indecision

i didn´t buy a scale. another time i didn´t do it. and so many times i wanted to do so....
i´m afraid of the number which would scream at me. and i should not have one. it should not get a middle of my life again.
BUT
it´s so indescribable beautiful to see the number getting smaller and smaller...
and to see the bones coming out more and more...
i wish these thighs wouldn´t touch each other anymore on the top...
these god damn fucking thighs

i am caged in this indecision! what should i do, i wish someone could tell me...
going back, GETTING THIN, see smaller numbers, see bones, no touching thighs, no damn eating, something to hold on to... and coldness, binge/purge maybe, lying to everyone...
or
trying to hold on now, nothing to hold on to, just emptiness and sadness and pain, but no REAL ED which controls everything...

the first option sounds a bit better

i think i will go in a clinic again - and soon

Let’s celebrate the epiphany of self-destruction

my face is a balloon. my cheeks were violet after purging today.
hell. welcome. binge and purge several times a week, since...? i didn´t eat much today, i mean compared to other days. but still too much , like always. everything is too much. i don´t know why i´m doing this to myself anymore, existance - what a fuck. so finally all that left is going to be thin again. why did i always knew somehow, somewhere, that i will return anytime...maybe because it´s the only thing which makes sense somehow
i must buy a scale. tomorrow - a good day for a new start