these little steps back

yesterday i wasn´t at school. i overleeped, but i stood up anyway, but then there comes the most critical part: what should i wear today? so this was the point where my little burn-out was complete, i went back to bed and slept away the day.
i ate just little things, not much, the most predicative thing was perhaps my dinner: salad. and just a thin slice of bread. with nothing on it.

little setbacks
so we will see to what it will develop

the funny thing is, that i know i should try to stop it, but why? and how? it´s so easy to tell somebody to stop acting like this, that you have to "want" it. but that´s not the point.

i thought about start writing in a forum for self-help with ED, but i think they would tell me the very same, and that´s shit.
i noticed that it brings me more to write here, even though i get no answers, but that´s not the point. i can say what i want, without any limitation. and this helps me somehow.

last night i got drunk, together with a boy, i met before i "went away" those three months, we kissed two times, but there was nothing more. however, so he was in my flat and then we watched a movie and after this we both were really tired so he stayed over in my bed.
it started that he took my hand, then touched my back, and so on, and while we were kissing i felt terrible and i started to think: i have to get thin, i have to get thin!!!!!!!!!! the worst thing was when he touched my stomach, the fat flabby thing
i was able to tell him, that i think that this is a bad plan, so it stopped before anything could earnestly happen.
i hate such things, not just because of being not thin, but generally.
the only difference of being thin would be - in situatiaions like that - , that i would think: at least i´m thin (while hoping that it will be over soon and quickly)

so now i´m starting to feel ugly and i don´t know what i should do the whole day.
damn shit.
i cleaned the flat for hours (>burning calories) and now...?
...the big nothing...