time is ticking

my last week. the last week in this world. at least for the present. maybe forever...
i´ve got a place on a treatment program. and it starts next week. and i really don´t know how i feel about that. or rather it´s a mix out of different feelings and it´s always changing.
sometimes i´m just feeling eased and kind of happy when i think about that. because maybe this whole mess will have an end
sometimes i´m really afraid. what if this will change nothing? i think my biggest fear is that i´m just getting fat - fat in eyes like ours, probably "normal" at the rate of others - and that i will be able to eat "normal" and things like that, but that i will be just at the same place from which i started to take refuse in this world.
and sometimes, like today, everything feels incredible horrible. i don´t want to leave this world. i don´t want to get fat.

yesterday i ate absolutely nothing. so today i was back at my favourite number on the scale.
it seems like my bones were coming out more again.
some days ago i lost a ring just because i swinged my arm a little bit so it flew away from my finger. crazy.
and i have a new skirt. i really like it. but i can´t wear it. not because i´m too fat. it´s because i´m too thin for it. and it´s the smallest size. my god. kind of scary.
and maybe REALLY scary is the fact that it still feels too much.
i AM too much!

and even though i hate it and even though i often wish that i could get out and that it doesn´t matter anymore if my coffee looks too bright in my eyes because it was too much milk i put inside of it...damn, things like that, so trivial
but anyhow
it is a world
it is something
it´s always there
it turns me on
it makes sense
somehow

but maybe it is worth a try
(and now i know, i am able to get thinner...and if this whole thing doesn´t work, i can be sure, that there is something, that will work...there will always be the opportunity to come back...)