The fucking ship is breaking upNo one here can fucking swim

so i´m back at this point. i hate it!
a few days ago i reached again the weight i want. and now it´s gone again. i hate myself for being so fucking weak.
the weight i have to bear now is such a never-ending-story. when i reached it the first time it was great, of course, because it was less than before. but it went among and i loved this number. this number AMONG. and then it turned up again. and there it stayed. and stays. and stays. and stays.
it seems like it´s my new set-point, my ANA-set-point...
sometimes it turns down again for a few days. but i am not able to hold this. why oh why
i tried a lot of things but it seems like the longer as my body is in this deficiency the harder it is to loose weight. i thought about former times and how much i ate and how much drinks i had, which were full of calories and fat because i didn´t thought about that in this times. of course all those things were much fewer than normal, that´s why i lost weight. and lost it. and lost it.
and i dream about these times and how easy it was. compared to now. damn!
i mean, if anything, i eat such little things (even though it´s too much in my head) and i always try to make it fewer and to displace it with food which is not so dangerous. and i´m doing sports even more and i´m trying to boost it.
but it seems that i´m only able to loose weight if i am able to eat absolutely nothing for 2days minimum. and this sounds so easy. but it isn´t.
gosh darn it, i hate myself, i hate, this fucking number, i hate this existance, everything
oh god why can´t i be restrictive???