dear ambivalence

countdown.
deathline.
tomorrow i will go into a clinic again.

i know i need that. and i know i have to go there to have a chance for better times or at least any change.
but
on the other side i don´t want to. not now. it´s so soon. but probably it´s always soon. because i don´t think that i will be ever completely able to say: i want to give up my eating disorder.

today exactly one week no purging.
unbelieveable.
the tooth-thing was too terrifying.

it´s strange, but somehow i like my body sometimes. now. that it´s not as fat as before.
bones bones bones.
clothes, which are so roomy, even the smallest sizes. even those ones which were really tight on my set-point. crazy. and i fit again in these jeans, which were my favourite ones during my last ana-time.
xxs
i tried it yesterday, even though i was really afraid that i´m still too fat for it. my god...
i´m sorry - i just realized, that i´m talking about this clothing-thing very often (but i´m so so excited everytime i notice that - because it means i´m getting thinner, no matter what the scale or my disordered apperception tells me - clothes can´t really lie)

my thighs don´t touch each other anymore, if i´m standing and putting my feet together (so that they touch each other). an empty room from my feet up to my pelvis...

so
one of my most important goals is reached.
and tomorrow i have to start to give it up.
what a fuck.

i wish i could cry - because then i would do so right now, or later, or always



to all my official followers (and if there are any secret ones, then to you, too)

thank you for reading
thank you for all your wonderful comments, which made me feel a bit better sometimes
i wish you all energy to reach your small and big goals - however in which direction they are placed



[maybe we will "meet" again in this "place" - i´m sure i will come back for writing]

just need something to focus on

the dentist-story went on. they had to pull out a tooth - the one for which i had to pay so much money. fuck. this was yesterday. and since that i´m a mess. they told me that i must not put pressure on my mouth, because if i do, there´s the risk that the maxillary sinus gets an inflammation, and then they have to operate it.
when i was in front of the dentist door i started to cry because this was too much for me. no purging anymore!
but how should i be able to stop purging right now after months of nearly everyday binge/purge???
hell, i´m fucked up. totally.
i´m crabby. i´m not sure if i want to cry all the time, or screaming at people, or just die. whatever. collapse. disaster. i´m sorry for writing so stupid.
next week i´m back in a clinic again. so actually it should not matter that i can´t purge. ans maybe i could try to start eating "normal" again. but of course i don´t do that. i have to loose weight until i´m there because i don´t want to be that fat girl there. the one where people think: what? this fat ass should have an eating disorder? never.
i dreamed about that some time ago. i was in the clinic and everbody looked at me as if i´m at the wrong place. my god. this was an awful dream.
even though my scales are shit, i know i´m getting thinner.
i love my wrists. they are so beautiful. all these bones...
and my shoulders are nice, too. and my thighs nearly don´t touch each other anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so as i see - starving works!
i hope i´m strong enough not to purge. and that i don´t eat anything bad. here´s my chance!