running in circles

sometimes i miss to talk about things. everything. but especially this.
there were never a lot of people i could really talk to, but there were some...but they are gone
i think it was hard for them, when it started. but in former times i could talk to them about that. but it started to be part of my excixtance. and it´s strange, in fact kind of sad, to see how everybody is fading away by and by...
it´s not bearable anymore for them
it IS not bearable
it never was
that´s why i got here
that´s why it became part of everything
that´s why it IS everything
i know it´s bad. i know it´s no remedy.
but somehow it is. because maybe i wouldn´t excist anymore, if it wouldn´t be there...

however

i want to have the opportunity to say:
i lost weight and i´m proud of that.
or:
damn, why can´t i be thin?
i want to say that without anybody who looks at me as if i´m insane, without the feeling that this person doesn´t want to hear that, without reactions like: it´s nothing you should be proud of, you ARE thin or why don´t you force yourself to eat
even though i can understand reactions like that partly. but i don´t want to hear that. i know that by myself. but it doesn´t help in any way