until it rains and lets us down

last night i was sleeping for only 4 hours, so i was overtired today. the point thereby is, that everything is harder. not just to stay awake. i mean all the things which are coming from outside and inside. it´s harder to keep the mask on. the whole building out of defense mechanisms starts to nutate and the bad thing is that it breaks sometimes at some areas...
maybe these are the moments where you can see how fragile you are...fucked...fucked up!
or maybe it just feels like that because i´m tired?
however - i drank a lot of coffee, coffee with sweetener and a minimum of milk - like in former times, so this is one of the habits i still practice
the forbidden food is getting more and more...subtly. after the clinic there were some things i didn´t touch, on top for example oil, butter, cream, cheese. and of course there were lot´s of things i was afraid of, but i tried to stop thinking about that and take it anyway. but it works decreasingly.
are these those little steps back into "real" anorexia? or is this just the little rest of it?
the worst thing is that the ravenousness is always around and it´s getting more. even though i really try to eat regularly and enough, whatever this is, because i have no feeling for repletion. i mean i can feel that there is something inside of me, but it´s not enough, no matter how much i eat. it´s to puke. that´s what i would like to do.
to eat without a limit, to fill this emptiness, to make the pressure go away, to puke out this damn i-don´t-know-what inside of me, which makes me insane.
i really don´t know how i long i can control it furthermore.

i can´t take it anymore
- but i have to
which makes this whole mess even more crappy