is life worth dying for?

i´ve just watched a movie. there was one little scene.
a man was walking over a bridge and he saw a woman who was climbing up the balustrade. he started talking to her and tried to distract her from jumping.
strange situation
when i see things like that i always think about what i would say if i would be in such a situation...and i´m really not sure if i would try to distract this person from doing that at all...
but this man said: nothing is that important.
anyhow that´s right...maybe it´s sad...maybe it makes me wish even more that everything is over
but it reminds me of my favourite sentence in this context
is life worth dying for?
this distracted me in former times from trying to end everything
because it isn´t

but sometimes i start to think, if this does matter...or if it would be better if everything would be just over
and i wonder if anybody in a s[h]ituation like ours does really hope, no, BELIEVE, that this whole thing is getting better anytime...that things do really change...
or if things like therapies are just big illusions and finally lies
because maybe this whole mess is not only an illness we just have to get healed from

maybe this whole mess is
what it´s all about

...but you can't keep holding out like this...

things are getting out of control.

it´s just too bad, and in fact really embarrassing, but i have to write it down - i hope this will have an effect, sort of a thinspiration the other way round, like if you don´t want to see the number on your scale, because you know that you´ve gained weight, but you do anyway, and sometimes this is shocking in such a way that it´s not really hard to stay in control for some time
however

yesterday i ate absolutely nothing all day long.
(maybe i could be proud of that, but i´m not because the following beats the pants off this little success)
at night i started a binge-purge-round without really thinking about it, i just did it because it became so normal. bullshit. to make matters worse i ate one potatoe, one apple and 3 (!!!!!!!!) toasts AFTER that - means it stayed inside my body.
i tried to tell myself that it doesn´t really matter, even though i KNOW for sure it does.
then i forced myself to go to bed.
and 4hours later i woke up. and i walked into the kitchen. and i took one gem. and ate it. and i took one potatoe. and ate it. and i went back to bed and tried to sleep. but it didn´t work because i felt so terrible full and terrible terrible fat and horrible bad.

i´m incredible weak and daffy

i really don´t know what´s wrong with me currently!
when i realised that there´s no chance to fall asleep again i started another binge-purge- mess. now i´m feeling better. a little bit. my stomach feels and looks like a balloon, but not as bad as before. but anyhow totally bloated. and my face..........

so
i have to stop to grouch now - it´s my own fault.

i need a plan. i must get back control! and i can´t wait for that or hope that it will come by itself. i did that all too often. and it didn´t really change a thing.
i don´t want to feel and look like a balloon anymore.
i don´t want to feel so bad and guilty because my power to refuse is fading away.
unfortunately i have to get back to my "ANA-set-point" first of all.
and THEN:
attain the goal!

i thought about this the whole day. and i´m intent on finding a plan. i read about the abc-thing in other blogs. maybe i will try to include this partly...but i´m not sure yet

it´s certain that i´ll buy a new scale.
the one i always used is a really really old one and you always have to adjust it before you can use it and things like that and however, i can´t trust this anymore.
and i decided to use this figuratively for a new start.

speculations
so far
but i´m working on it



ps
if anybody has found something to keep yourself away from binge-purge (which doesn´t "only" include control) > i would be so thankful if you would let me know

The fucking ship is breaking upNo one here can fucking swim

so i´m back at this point. i hate it!
a few days ago i reached again the weight i want. and now it´s gone again. i hate myself for being so fucking weak.
the weight i have to bear now is such a never-ending-story. when i reached it the first time it was great, of course, because it was less than before. but it went among and i loved this number. this number AMONG. and then it turned up again. and there it stayed. and stays. and stays. and stays.
it seems like it´s my new set-point, my ANA-set-point...
sometimes it turns down again for a few days. but i am not able to hold this. why oh why
i tried a lot of things but it seems like the longer as my body is in this deficiency the harder it is to loose weight. i thought about former times and how much i ate and how much drinks i had, which were full of calories and fat because i didn´t thought about that in this times. of course all those things were much fewer than normal, that´s why i lost weight. and lost it. and lost it.
and i dream about these times and how easy it was. compared to now. damn!
i mean, if anything, i eat such little things (even though it´s too much in my head) and i always try to make it fewer and to displace it with food which is not so dangerous. and i´m doing sports even more and i´m trying to boost it.
but it seems that i´m only able to loose weight if i am able to eat absolutely nothing for 2days minimum. and this sounds so easy. but it isn´t.
gosh darn it, i hate myself, i hate, this fucking number, i hate this existance, everything
oh god why can´t i be restrictive???

running in circles

sometimes i miss to talk about things. everything. but especially this.
there were never a lot of people i could really talk to, but there were some...but they are gone
i think it was hard for them, when it started. but in former times i could talk to them about that. but it started to be part of my excixtance. and it´s strange, in fact kind of sad, to see how everybody is fading away by and by...
it´s not bearable anymore for them
it IS not bearable
it never was
that´s why i got here
that´s why it became part of everything
that´s why it IS everything
i know it´s bad. i know it´s no remedy.
but somehow it is. because maybe i wouldn´t excist anymore, if it wouldn´t be there...

however

i want to have the opportunity to say:
i lost weight and i´m proud of that.
or:
damn, why can´t i be thin?
i want to say that without anybody who looks at me as if i´m insane, without the feeling that this person doesn´t want to hear that, without reactions like: it´s nothing you should be proud of, you ARE thin or why don´t you force yourself to eat
even though i can understand reactions like that partly. but i don´t want to hear that. i know that by myself. but it doesn´t help in any way