nobody even cares

i´m back. since 3weeks or something. senseless. it was all for nothing.
they said the ambulant treatment is important, in the long term.
so, apparently they thought they don´t have to work with me on ANYTHING.
well, what a surprise, nothing changed. it´s even kind of worse than before.
i fell back in depression. everything is so empty. senseless. HOPELESS.
i mean, what should i do now... how can i know that the opportunity of getting better really excists...
however
the eating-thing...hell... i´m not able to decide which direction i should take. so i´m anywhere between. binge/purge every evening. eating nothing at daytime, or only some little things and sometimes i think i have to eat healthy for stop purging. but i can´t. i can´t. i can´t. i can´t get this set-point-body again. i want to loose weight. and somehow i know this is the wrong way. and then i think, everything is a mess, and with this way i have something which keeps me alive...
disaster. that´s what i mean.

dear ambivalence

countdown.
deathline.
tomorrow i will go into a clinic again.

i know i need that. and i know i have to go there to have a chance for better times or at least any change.
but
on the other side i don´t want to. not now. it´s so soon. but probably it´s always soon. because i don´t think that i will be ever completely able to say: i want to give up my eating disorder.

today exactly one week no purging.
unbelieveable.
the tooth-thing was too terrifying.

it´s strange, but somehow i like my body sometimes. now. that it´s not as fat as before.
bones bones bones.
clothes, which are so roomy, even the smallest sizes. even those ones which were really tight on my set-point. crazy. and i fit again in these jeans, which were my favourite ones during my last ana-time.
xxs
i tried it yesterday, even though i was really afraid that i´m still too fat for it. my god...
i´m sorry - i just realized, that i´m talking about this clothing-thing very often (but i´m so so excited everytime i notice that - because it means i´m getting thinner, no matter what the scale or my disordered apperception tells me - clothes can´t really lie)

my thighs don´t touch each other anymore, if i´m standing and putting my feet together (so that they touch each other). an empty room from my feet up to my pelvis...

so
one of my most important goals is reached.
and tomorrow i have to start to give it up.
what a fuck.

i wish i could cry - because then i would do so right now, or later, or always



to all my official followers (and if there are any secret ones, then to you, too)

thank you for reading
thank you for all your wonderful comments, which made me feel a bit better sometimes
i wish you all energy to reach your small and big goals - however in which direction they are placed



[maybe we will "meet" again in this "place" - i´m sure i will come back for writing]

just need something to focus on

the dentist-story went on. they had to pull out a tooth - the one for which i had to pay so much money. fuck. this was yesterday. and since that i´m a mess. they told me that i must not put pressure on my mouth, because if i do, there´s the risk that the maxillary sinus gets an inflammation, and then they have to operate it.
when i was in front of the dentist door i started to cry because this was too much for me. no purging anymore!
but how should i be able to stop purging right now after months of nearly everyday binge/purge???
hell, i´m fucked up. totally.
i´m crabby. i´m not sure if i want to cry all the time, or screaming at people, or just die. whatever. collapse. disaster. i´m sorry for writing so stupid.
next week i´m back in a clinic again. so actually it should not matter that i can´t purge. ans maybe i could try to start eating "normal" again. but of course i don´t do that. i have to loose weight until i´m there because i don´t want to be that fat girl there. the one where people think: what? this fat ass should have an eating disorder? never.
i dreamed about that some time ago. i was in the clinic and everbody looked at me as if i´m at the wrong place. my god. this was an awful dream.
even though my scales are shit, i know i´m getting thinner.
i love my wrists. they are so beautiful. all these bones...
and my shoulders are nice, too. and my thighs nearly don´t touch each other anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so as i see - starving works!
i hope i´m strong enough not to purge. and that i don´t eat anything bad. here´s my chance!

but we are praying / in our minds / for a worthwhile being (happy?birthday)

tomorrow is my birthday
i hate birthdays
the only thing i like about that is when people think of you. especially special people. when they say beautiful things to you. which makes you feel special. and loved. somehow...
anyway it´s just a day like every other day! at least that´s what i´m trying to tell myself every damn year...but there´s this little difference to any other day...the fact that this is the day which bashed me into the world. into existance.
that this is the day from which the whole mess started. the sadness. the pain. the emptiness. the feeling of being worthless. no one.
somehow this makes me sad. i was just a little child, trying to survive, trying to split of all those things which were too much for me. too much to bear for a little child.
and now
as an "adult"
(whatever this may be)
i´m running into an eating disorder - again and again. i´m cutting myself. i´m getting drunk (that´s what i planned for tonight). i´m smoking as hell.
just to bear the moment. and to override those horrible feelings and commemorations which come always again - or which are still existing - from my childhood.
i know this will never go away. but i hope - really hope - that anytime it will be better somehow.
that i can learn to feel those feelings and to handle the things that happened -
which were NOT MY FAULT.

two hours left.

cheers

cause and effect

still the same weight.
and i still don´t understand that.
but however
as i learned during my first ana-time i know that i´m getting thinner without loosing weight on the scale. i can see it again. i can feel it again.
i can see bones again which were not visual before. i can feel all my bones much more again. some clothes are roomy now. when i was swimming last week i was afraid to loose my panties. the water was flowing through the gap between my hip-bones. hell. what a great feeling.
and my ass got smaller. (i can see that on my panties, too)
so
the point is that i´m trying to put all my concentration on these facts. because then i´m not getting too upset because of this damn weight. weight. weight. weight.
it´s ONLY A NUMBER. important is what you can SEE. nobody can see the number (without me standing on a scale in front of anyone - and this will not happen). but everybody can see parts of my body which are not hidden behind roomy clothes.
there is a wonderful beautiful new boy in my life.the first thing he said about my body was
"you have beautiful legs"
i thought i misunderstand him.
next
"beautiful stomach"
hell he´s crazy
those two parts of my body which i hate the most!
and he said many times how beautiful my body is.
strange
(but as we all know the word"beautiful" means something different in a world like ours...just like the word "thin")
i wonder if he would still think it´s "beautiful" if i would be a little bit more fat...
nevermind. that´s not the fact right now.
by the way the two scales i have are damn shit. they are still showing different numbers at the same times. maybe i lost weight but they don´t show it? argh, i need to know that...
however, i will work on every day.
i have to!

oh sweet starvation - please work again

my weight stagnates on my first goal weight.
damn shit.
i don´t understand that! maybe some binge-rests always stay inside after purging - but i don´t notice that?
i bought another scale. i can´t trust the first one. but now it´s even more confusing because they show different numbers at the same time. strange strange strange
but however - at the moment nothing works and i don´t know why and this makes me INSANE

and somehow this hell is home

i lost nearly 4kg/8lbs in the last 4weeks i guess. so i think tomorrow i will reach my first goal weight. then only 2kg/4lbs until i will reach my next goal weight.
i hope i will do this in the next week. this will be hard work, but it would be worth it. because then is the prom of my younger sister and this will be a good time to be a bit thinner.
(even though it´s actually always good to be thinner...)
however. i´m curios if i will be able to reach the second goal weight in this time.
at the moment i don´t eat any bad things. i even stopped eating bread. i can´t. i can´t.
but yes, i AM a weak uncontrolled fatass, because i binge a lot of times, nearly every night. of course this is followed by purging. (the dentist-thing doesn´t matter anymore.) but i hate myself for that. i sweared to myself that i will NOT binge/purge today. and i´m still not sure if i will be able to. but i want to see my first goal weight tomorrow on this damn scale. and there is always the risk that something stays inside. and i can´t risk that.
sometimes i think about what if i would go again in a clinic and they would ask me what was the point where i went back into the ED.
and i don´t know an answer. i think it wasn´t one situation. i think it came back, slowly, bit by bit...and than...i don´t know. i decided to go into it really at one point. but i don´t know what this point was. maybe it was nothing special. maybe it was just the fact that i am alive. that everything is too much. that i don´t want to have this war inside of me every damn day.
"healthy" way vs. ED-way
and the winner is...

flashpoint

i bought a scale
finally
now it feels like i´m back. like this is the point where i could say it´s starting again.
even though it started so long before again. was it ever really over...however
i lost weight! really. and it´s brilliant.
of course i´m feeling fat always, but now i always know that i´m doing something against it and that it´s starting to work.
my fridge looks funny. vegetables, fruits, low fat curd cheese, some juice, water. that´s it. i depolluted everything else when it started to mildew because i didn´t eat it anymore.
i´m feeling strong somehow. it feels right. it feels like there is something again. and i know that something good is coming in the future. something which is worth it. i´m so excited for these moments when i will see smaller numbers again and these weight-goals i want to reach.
i can feel my hip bones much more than before. i love it.
i´m trying to hold on to these things. i don´t want to think about all this shit everywhere. this damn job. this guy who fucked me. this ugly disgusting feeling because of that. the emptiness. this whole thing called existance.
instead
i´m loosing weight!

the weight of consequence

i think i lost some weight. a dress, which was really tight so far, fits now...strange
i didn´t eat much in the last days and i didn´t binge/purge since wendsday. i had to go to the dentist and my tooth are full of caries, so they had to fix a lot and then i got a bill and i thought i´ll get crazy because now i have to pay a lot of money. so i decided this is the fact which tells me: YOU HAVE TO STOP PURGING!!! now this bill hangs in my flat so that i can always see it. and that it will always remind me, what it will bring if i do it again.
so maybe i will be able to get restrictive...finally...hopefully...

caged in indecision

i didn´t buy a scale. another time i didn´t do it. and so many times i wanted to do so....
i´m afraid of the number which would scream at me. and i should not have one. it should not get a middle of my life again.
BUT
it´s so indescribable beautiful to see the number getting smaller and smaller...
and to see the bones coming out more and more...
i wish these thighs wouldn´t touch each other anymore on the top...
these god damn fucking thighs

i am caged in this indecision! what should i do, i wish someone could tell me...
going back, GETTING THIN, see smaller numbers, see bones, no touching thighs, no damn eating, something to hold on to... and coldness, binge/purge maybe, lying to everyone...
or
trying to hold on now, nothing to hold on to, just emptiness and sadness and pain, but no REAL ED which controls everything...

the first option sounds a bit better

i think i will go in a clinic again - and soon

Let’s celebrate the epiphany of self-destruction

my face is a balloon. my cheeks were violet after purging today.
hell. welcome. binge and purge several times a week, since...? i didn´t eat much today, i mean compared to other days. but still too much , like always. everything is too much. i don´t know why i´m doing this to myself anymore, existance - what a fuck. so finally all that left is going to be thin again. why did i always knew somehow, somewhere, that i will return anytime...maybe because it´s the only thing which makes sense somehow
i must buy a scale. tomorrow - a good day for a new start

"apathy"

long time ago that i wrote something...
the story with this boy was over as quick as it started. i met him on a party the night after. i was drunk, but not drunk enough, when he told me that it was beautiful what happened there but "it stands separately". beautiful description for the fact, that it was a one-time thing. it leaves a little rest of worth.
however, i was pretty fucked up. for some days i seemed to drown in this horrible feeling of being something for filling a gap. i ate nearly nothing. i wasn´t able to.
my therapist asked me what i am going to do, and i said i will try to hold on, wait until this feeling will go away, because it will go away anytime, and i will force myself to eat.
and he asked: Why are you doing this to yourself?
crazy question. from my therapist. i thought i misunderstand him. but i didn´t. he really meant the fact that i´m forcing myself to eat.
so i said, i don´t know, maybe because i know that it´s a lie, and if i would go back i would be still less able to function than i am now, and i think it´s the only way to find out if it is possible to get better anytime...
but i thought about this very often. why am i doing this to myself?
nevermind
he told me something helpful how to handle bad feelings. i know that you can´t make them go away, even though i wish it would be possible. this works only sometimes for the moment, but they will come back. you have to bear the feelings until they go away by themselves. and you can amuse yourself. but now comes the point: you have to try to make things, which are giving you a positive feeling. sounds simple, but good. it makes sense. and i´m happy to know this, because it´s something i can do, so i felt a little bit less delivered.
now i´m back in my sludgy empty nothing-status.
i´ve started with antidepressants, but until now i don´t notice anything. the good thing is that they don´t have gain in weight as adverse reaction. this was my biggest fear. and the much better thing is, that sometimes loosing weight is possible. i hope i will be one of those to who this happens.
i wanted to write some more things, but now i´m just tired. of everything. like always. it´s getting worse. maybe this is an adverse reaction. in the package insert it´s called "apathy"... or maybe it´s just the way it is

disgusting confusion

last night i was together with a boy. until today afternoon. i stayed over in his bed. he was the one who started to kiss me. and then the story went on...
i´m sorry for him that he had to touch such a body. finally it was his decision. but i´m feeling horrible about that. all this fat. ugly.
that´s what i feel like, now. i want to cry but i can´t. i ate nothing today. i can´t. i have a disgusting feeling in my stomach. and everywhere. not even any desire for food. that´s good.
i really don´t want to know what he is thinking now about me. fat cow? which is not able to function in bed? yes, this would be what it is. i hate such things and i don´t know why i didn´t stop it before all was too late. it was beautiful until it turned into something carnal. it´s disgusting. it destroys everything. but maybe it doesn´t matter because it was nothing that could ever work. this story. with him. anytime it would be over anyway. that´s the way it is. always. so...however.
i will get drunk again later. i hope this will help somehow

welcome to nutricion science

oh my god, i´m going to crack, i´m in school right now and i left the classroom. i had to escape. there´s one subject where we started with the topic nutricion science. oh hell, i´m dying.
yesterday 3hours, today 3hours, i´m going to kill the person who makes the timetable. 3hours full of calories, BMI, underweight, overweight, normal weight, food, calculations of energy consumption and so on.
i don´t know how to survive these lessons (that´s why i´m sitting now in front of this computer, trying to calm down by writing here, but i think i have to go back...although that´s senseless because i think my teacher noticed long ago that i´m not there...nevermind)
it´s so stupid, it activates all those cycles in my head and i´m feeling horrible and suddenly damn fat, but that is shit, i know it´s all just in my head, but it´s so hard to fight it and it´s so much harder if you have to listen 3hours a day to all this stuff, you know what i mean?
i need a cigarette

°extend your options

today i ordered a skipping rope.
i saw it yesterday on an advertisement in a supermarket.
it´s a special one. it counts the time and the calorie consumption.
probably i shouldn´t have something like that. but this time the rational voice had no chance, or maybe it was telling me somehow the same, namely i need to do more sports, i have to burn much more calories, and i MUST get a well-defined and firm body, if it´s not possible to get thin without a real ED again. and it´s not possible because of the fucking set-point.
so
some time ago i read that using a skipping rope is as effective as jogging. i don´t know if this is true, but i think it´s effective anyway, and i like to do it, so it´s a good choice.
i think i shouldn´t tell this my therapist. he would kill me. it´s strange. in our next to last meeting he noticed, that this whole eating-thing isn´t working normal and that my opinions about it are nearly the same, means my head is still anorexic.
what a surprise.
but than he said that it´s not possible for him to make a therapy, if the situation is like it is. if i don´t really want to give it up.
i don´t want it anymore, but i am not able to give it up. of course i´m not. that´s one of the most complicated points, i mean somehow this disease makes sense. and if it´s the only thing which makes sense than it´s much harder to give it up because if you would do so there would be nothing else anymore.
so i told him, that i don´t know where the motivation to give it up should come from. it doesn´t fall from the sky anytime. so why can´t we work on it?
probably this made sense for him, so we have meetings furthermore.
the worst thing about this is that i have to go on his scale. so i have to see the failure in numbers.
but however...sometimes we have to make sacrifices

_postscript

in fact
i would like to be able to function. i would like to be able to be. i would like to be able to handle my everyday life. this whole eating thing. my feelings. my thoughts.
i would like to be able to exist. i would like to have and to be something which is worth to call it "life".

and i´m trying.
but it seems as if it doesn´t work. maybe it does somehow a little bit, but i´m so focused on everything that doesn´t work...?
i know it takes a long time until anything really changes...but how long...and it´s not sure that it will be better anytime....it´s only an eventuality

i think i should start with antidepressants

it´s a war

welcome to the new year. and everything is still the same.
yesterday i saw the perfect legs in the tram. i felt like i want to die right now in this moment.
the voices in my head started to battle each other
-you´re damn fat, you have to get thin again, i need these legs, oh my god
- it doesn´t matter how thin your legs are, this whole shit doesn´t matter, it´s a lie, you know that
and then i got sad because it´s so unfair that it IS a lie. why can´t this illusion be reality?
anytime i was drunk and i didn´t thought about the legs anymore, because i was busy with all this food on this party and much more with everything i ate. i don´t want to think about that right now, it´s such a shame...so no wonder why my body looks like this. i´m trying to tell myself, that it´s normal to eat things like that, at least in the world of others, and that other people eat a lot sometimes and they don´t get fatter just because of that, because the body is able to handle this - fuck, but i can´t trust this body in which i am that it is able to do the same.
and the voice of ED is telling me, i´m just weak, it was too much, i have to balance this now.
and i want to believe this voice - because i don´t want to be like i am - and this is so stupid because THAT IS THE LIE
but i´m tired of everything...i wish anyone would come and deliver me from everything - thinking, feeling, working, being functional, BEING
aaah, i´m sorry that i´m writing always the same, at least it feels like that
i think that´s because it is always the same
the same mess
everyday again