and the reaction is...

i just watched a flat because i need a new room. it was beautiful and the persons who live there are nice and i thought, wow, it would be great to live here. but then i asked about smoking and they don´t smoke inside there, only on the balcony. so this story was over.
fuck
i drove back in my flat and when i arrived in my room i had this feeling, when everything inside of you is screaming for food, anything to eat. it´s so crazy. pefect example for this whole mess. something bad happens and the reaction is desire for food.
i ate a jogurt (low-fat, of course, but 59kcal nevertheless, damn shit). and now i´m starting to get drunk. (much more calories, i know, i know)
it´s funny, tomorrow i have the next meeting with my new therapist. i think he will be upset because of the alcohol. but i don´t care about that. it´s better than eating. or b/p. or cutting (which would be not possible because i don´t have any razorblades).
i should tell myself that this means that any better room/flat is waiting for me. and that it´s good, maybe, because they are medics so there would be the risk that they´ll notice something of the rest of my ED.
but it doesn´t work right now to flush away this not differentiable bad feeling.
so. another cigarette. another drink.
cheers

This was all for nothing and we´re setting for an encore

today i had the first meeting with my new therapist.
maybe i should laugh at myself. in fact it´s daffy to focus the hope of everything in this, but that´s what i did, at least i was hoping that he could tell me anything which would help me to overcome this week...riddiculous.
i mean he asked me how the eating-thing is working, and i said "i´m still eating". and that was it. then he asked about my weight and than about other things. but he didn´t asked me HOW i´m eating. and how i feel about that. or how i feel about my weight. maybe he thinks everything must be okay in this way, because my weight is still "normal"? what a fuck.
and he didn´t asked me anytime, how i´m feeling generally. nice!
and i´m angry about myself because i wasn´t able to tell him "the situation" unasked.
well, nevermind, it´s too late now, maybe it works next week, but i´m trying to stop hoping that hard for it.

_deadlocked_

today i was at my mother´s house. she´s always making a lot of cookies in christmas time. my control was fading away, fuck fuck fuck, i ate some. i don´t know how much, which is so bad, because it means i was really out of control.
i hate myself now for these fucking cookies, my fucking weakness, my fucking existance.
i wish i could be restricitve, because then this whole thing would be easier. i just want my eating disorder back. the control. the great feeling of an empty stomach. the feeling of bones everywhere. a thin body. everything.
but i am NOT restrictive. and i´m afraid of binge/purge, because this was the worst thing and i don´t want this shit again. and i know my ED wouldn´t work without it. and that´s the whole mess.
i am fat. i am ugly. i hate myself for eating. i hate myself for being so fat.

i am deadlocked.

i have no energy anymore.
i hate my work, but i have to go there, because i need money and i need anything like future, but i really don´t know how to hold out.
all i would like to do is staying in my bed.
and getting thin

sentimental standard-shit

i´m getting drunk right now, calories in addition, yes, and that´s what i´m trying to drink away...
it seems as if the whole day just consits of eating, no eating, thinking about food, comparing calories, counting up the things i ate and drunk, thinking about the next thing i will put inside of my body, what this could be, what would be okay, acceptable, at least partly...
this whole war every day, it makes me tired, but i can´t stop it
maybe it´s hard to admit, but it´s the only thing i can hold on to...that´s sad, i mean, no other goals, which are important enough? no other things that can fill me, my life?
but me- who´s that? and life - which life?
yes i´m talking sentimental standard-shit, i´m sorry