ships with holes will sink

things are getting out of control. again.
two weeks holiday from my apprenticeship, so much time i have to fill, nothing to do, empty time, empty like me, so this mixture means nothing good...
i´m starting to sleep very long, too long. and it starts again, that everytime i awake i´m thinking: why should i get up? and there´s no reason. so i´m falling asleep again.
the structure is missing.
sometimes i eat nothing for a long time (i mean proportional to now). sometimes i could eat everything. sometimes i eat too much. and i hate myself for doing this. my therapist in the clinic would tell me now, that there is something missing and i try to fill it with food.
OF COURSE THERE´S SOMETHING MISSING
always
i can feel it everyday, this emptiness, this pressure, this feeling that i have to do something to fill it, to make it go away.
but i don´t know what it is. and i don´t know what can stop it.
and sometimes i wish it wouldn´t matter if i would start to eat without any limit - and then...dear toilet, i´m back
but this is no option anymore
i don´t want it to be one
but sometimes i do
and in the last days even more
and this scares me
really