*fucking ambivalence

i thought about never writing here again. and i thought about never visit other blogs again.
but this was one of the first things i did when i was "back".
"back" - whatever this means...back in life? probably not. but maybe a kind of direction to it?
so i´m trying to eat regularly. by and large it´s kind of working, sometimes it fails, and all in all it´s still a war. alsways. in my head. and often in behavior.
supermarket means horror. sometimes it takes more than 10min just to choose which yogurt i should take - the light-version or the one with 3kcal more, the one with less calories but 0,3gramm sugar more than the one with 0,5gramm fat less. should i take some fish, because it´s healthy, but even there´s no fat inside, i couldn´t drink juice, because this would be too much, too much calories, but maybe it would be okay if i would do sport after it...or should i eat less tomorrow?
my god, this whole shit is going on, only in a more "normal" version, and i think, everybody would say, "she´s eating so everything´s okay", but it´s not.
i still hate myself, sometimes even more because i eat so much things which are not okay, which are absolutely illegal - in the world of anorexia.
but i´m trying. i have to. because there´s no chance to feel good, to live instead to survive, with an eating disorder. even though she´s always in my head. she´s always around...
and yes. i feel fat. i am fat. but i always felt fat, even in times, when my BMI was 16.1, when people told me i am too (TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!) thin, when i had the body i always adored on pictures on thinspo-sites - but the point is: i didn´t saw that i had this body. i didn´t feel it.
it´s an illusion.
it´s a lie.
so i´m trying to tell myself, that it doesn´t matter if i feel fat because i would feel fat, too, if i wouldn´t be it. maybe even more then.

[but in private...sometimes i´m jealous of all those, who still live in this world...i mean really live in, not like me (because i´m eating and i´m not underweight anymore)]

*fucking ambivalence