_deadlocked_

today i was at my mother´s house. she´s always making a lot of cookies in christmas time. my control was fading away, fuck fuck fuck, i ate some. i don´t know how much, which is so bad, because it means i was really out of control.
i hate myself now for these fucking cookies, my fucking weakness, my fucking existance.
i wish i could be restricitve, because then this whole thing would be easier. i just want my eating disorder back. the control. the great feeling of an empty stomach. the feeling of bones everywhere. a thin body. everything.
but i am NOT restrictive. and i´m afraid of binge/purge, because this was the worst thing and i don´t want this shit again. and i know my ED wouldn´t work without it. and that´s the whole mess.
i am fat. i am ugly. i hate myself for eating. i hate myself for being so fat.

i am deadlocked.

i have no energy anymore.
i hate my work, but i have to go there, because i need money and i need anything like future, but i really don´t know how to hold out.
all i would like to do is staying in my bed.
and getting thin