long time ago that i wrote something...
the story with this boy was over as quick as it started. i met him on a party the night after. i was drunk, but not drunk enough, when he told me that it was beautiful what happened there but "it stands separately". beautiful description for the fact, that it was a one-time thing. it leaves a little rest of worth.
however, i was pretty fucked up. for some days i seemed to drown in this horrible feeling of being something for filling a gap. i ate nearly nothing. i wasn´t able to.
my therapist asked me what i am going to do, and i said i will try to hold on, wait until this feeling will go away, because it will go away anytime, and i will force myself to eat.
and he asked: Why are you doing this to yourself?
crazy question. from my therapist. i thought i misunderstand him. but i didn´t. he really meant the fact that i´m forcing myself to eat.
so i said, i don´t know, maybe because i know that it´s a lie, and if i would go back i would be still less able to function than i am now, and i think it´s the only way to find out if it is possible to get better anytime...
but i thought about this very often. why am i doing this to myself?
nevermind
he told me something helpful how to handle bad feelings. i know that you can´t make them go away, even though i wish it would be possible. this works only sometimes for the moment, but they will come back. you have to bear the feelings until they go away by themselves. and you can amuse yourself. but now comes the point: you have to try to make things, which are giving you a positive feeling. sounds simple, but good. it makes sense. and i´m happy to know this, because it´s something i can do, so i felt a little bit less delivered.
now i´m back in my sludgy empty nothing-status.
i´ve started with antidepressants, but until now i don´t notice anything. the good thing is that they don´t have gain in weight as adverse reaction. this was my biggest fear. and the much better thing is, that sometimes loosing weight is possible. i hope i will be one of those to who this happens.
i wanted to write some more things, but now i´m just tired. of everything. like always. it´s getting worse. maybe this is an adverse reaction. in the package insert it´s called "apathy"... or maybe it´s just the way it is
Sonntag, 24. Januar 2010
Samstag, 9. Januar 2010
disgusting confusion
last night i was together with a boy. until today afternoon. i stayed over in his bed. he was the one who started to kiss me. and then the story went on...
i´m sorry for him that he had to touch such a body. finally it was his decision. but i´m feeling horrible about that. all this fat. ugly.
that´s what i feel like, now. i want to cry but i can´t. i ate nothing today. i can´t. i have a disgusting feeling in my stomach. and everywhere. not even any desire for food. that´s good.
i really don´t want to know what he is thinking now about me. fat cow? which is not able to function in bed? yes, this would be what it is. i hate such things and i don´t know why i didn´t stop it before all was too late. it was beautiful until it turned into something carnal. it´s disgusting. it destroys everything. but maybe it doesn´t matter because it was nothing that could ever work. this story. with him. anytime it would be over anyway. that´s the way it is. always. so...however.
i will get drunk again later. i hope this will help somehow
i´m sorry for him that he had to touch such a body. finally it was his decision. but i´m feeling horrible about that. all this fat. ugly.
that´s what i feel like, now. i want to cry but i can´t. i ate nothing today. i can´t. i have a disgusting feeling in my stomach. and everywhere. not even any desire for food. that´s good.
i really don´t want to know what he is thinking now about me. fat cow? which is not able to function in bed? yes, this would be what it is. i hate such things and i don´t know why i didn´t stop it before all was too late. it was beautiful until it turned into something carnal. it´s disgusting. it destroys everything. but maybe it doesn´t matter because it was nothing that could ever work. this story. with him. anytime it would be over anyway. that´s the way it is. always. so...however.
i will get drunk again later. i hope this will help somehow
Donnerstag, 7. Januar 2010
welcome to nutricion science
oh my god, i´m going to crack, i´m in school right now and i left the classroom. i had to escape. there´s one subject where we started with the topic nutricion science. oh hell, i´m dying.
yesterday 3hours, today 3hours, i´m going to kill the person who makes the timetable. 3hours full of calories, BMI, underweight, overweight, normal weight, food, calculations of energy consumption and so on.
i don´t know how to survive these lessons (that´s why i´m sitting now in front of this computer, trying to calm down by writing here, but i think i have to go back...although that´s senseless because i think my teacher noticed long ago that i´m not there...nevermind)
it´s so stupid, it activates all those cycles in my head and i´m feeling horrible and suddenly damn fat, but that is shit, i know it´s all just in my head, but it´s so hard to fight it and it´s so much harder if you have to listen 3hours a day to all this stuff, you know what i mean?
i need a cigarette
yesterday 3hours, today 3hours, i´m going to kill the person who makes the timetable. 3hours full of calories, BMI, underweight, overweight, normal weight, food, calculations of energy consumption and so on.
i don´t know how to survive these lessons (that´s why i´m sitting now in front of this computer, trying to calm down by writing here, but i think i have to go back...although that´s senseless because i think my teacher noticed long ago that i´m not there...nevermind)
it´s so stupid, it activates all those cycles in my head and i´m feeling horrible and suddenly damn fat, but that is shit, i know it´s all just in my head, but it´s so hard to fight it and it´s so much harder if you have to listen 3hours a day to all this stuff, you know what i mean?
i need a cigarette
Sonntag, 3. Januar 2010
°extend your options
today i ordered a skipping rope.
i saw it yesterday on an advertisement in a supermarket.
it´s a special one. it counts the time and the calorie consumption.
probably i shouldn´t have something like that. but this time the rational voice had no chance, or maybe it was telling me somehow the same, namely i need to do more sports, i have to burn much more calories, and i MUST get a well-defined and firm body, if it´s not possible to get thin without a real ED again. and it´s not possible because of the fucking set-point.
so
some time ago i read that using a skipping rope is as effective as jogging. i don´t know if this is true, but i think it´s effective anyway, and i like to do it, so it´s a good choice.
i think i shouldn´t tell this my therapist. he would kill me. it´s strange. in our next to last meeting he noticed, that this whole eating-thing isn´t working normal and that my opinions about it are nearly the same, means my head is still anorexic.
what a surprise.
but than he said that it´s not possible for him to make a therapy, if the situation is like it is. if i don´t really want to give it up.
i don´t want it anymore, but i am not able to give it up. of course i´m not. that´s one of the most complicated points, i mean somehow this disease makes sense. and if it´s the only thing which makes sense than it´s much harder to give it up because if you would do so there would be nothing else anymore.
so i told him, that i don´t know where the motivation to give it up should come from. it doesn´t fall from the sky anytime. so why can´t we work on it?
probably this made sense for him, so we have meetings furthermore.
the worst thing about this is that i have to go on his scale. so i have to see the failure in numbers.
but however...sometimes we have to make sacrifices
i saw it yesterday on an advertisement in a supermarket.
it´s a special one. it counts the time and the calorie consumption.
probably i shouldn´t have something like that. but this time the rational voice had no chance, or maybe it was telling me somehow the same, namely i need to do more sports, i have to burn much more calories, and i MUST get a well-defined and firm body, if it´s not possible to get thin without a real ED again. and it´s not possible because of the fucking set-point.
so
some time ago i read that using a skipping rope is as effective as jogging. i don´t know if this is true, but i think it´s effective anyway, and i like to do it, so it´s a good choice.
i think i shouldn´t tell this my therapist. he would kill me. it´s strange. in our next to last meeting he noticed, that this whole eating-thing isn´t working normal and that my opinions about it are nearly the same, means my head is still anorexic.
what a surprise.
but than he said that it´s not possible for him to make a therapy, if the situation is like it is. if i don´t really want to give it up.
i don´t want it anymore, but i am not able to give it up. of course i´m not. that´s one of the most complicated points, i mean somehow this disease makes sense. and if it´s the only thing which makes sense than it´s much harder to give it up because if you would do so there would be nothing else anymore.
so i told him, that i don´t know where the motivation to give it up should come from. it doesn´t fall from the sky anytime. so why can´t we work on it?
probably this made sense for him, so we have meetings furthermore.
the worst thing about this is that i have to go on his scale. so i have to see the failure in numbers.
but however...sometimes we have to make sacrifices
Freitag, 1. Januar 2010
_postscript
in fact
i would like to be able to function. i would like to be able to be. i would like to be able to handle my everyday life. this whole eating thing. my feelings. my thoughts.
i would like to be able to exist. i would like to have and to be something which is worth to call it "life".
and i´m trying.
but it seems as if it doesn´t work. maybe it does somehow a little bit, but i´m so focused on everything that doesn´t work...?
i know it takes a long time until anything really changes...but how long...and it´s not sure that it will be better anytime....it´s only an eventuality
i think i should start with antidepressants
i would like to be able to function. i would like to be able to be. i would like to be able to handle my everyday life. this whole eating thing. my feelings. my thoughts.
i would like to be able to exist. i would like to have and to be something which is worth to call it "life".
and i´m trying.
but it seems as if it doesn´t work. maybe it does somehow a little bit, but i´m so focused on everything that doesn´t work...?
i know it takes a long time until anything really changes...but how long...and it´s not sure that it will be better anytime....it´s only an eventuality
i think i should start with antidepressants
it´s a war
welcome to the new year. and everything is still the same.
yesterday i saw the perfect legs in the tram. i felt like i want to die right now in this moment.
the voices in my head started to battle each other
-you´re damn fat, you have to get thin again, i need these legs, oh my god
- it doesn´t matter how thin your legs are, this whole shit doesn´t matter, it´s a lie, you know that
and then i got sad because it´s so unfair that it IS a lie. why can´t this illusion be reality?
anytime i was drunk and i didn´t thought about the legs anymore, because i was busy with all this food on this party and much more with everything i ate. i don´t want to think about that right now, it´s such a shame...so no wonder why my body looks like this. i´m trying to tell myself, that it´s normal to eat things like that, at least in the world of others, and that other people eat a lot sometimes and they don´t get fatter just because of that, because the body is able to handle this - fuck, but i can´t trust this body in which i am that it is able to do the same.
and the voice of ED is telling me, i´m just weak, it was too much, i have to balance this now.
and i want to believe this voice - because i don´t want to be like i am - and this is so stupid because THAT IS THE LIE
but i´m tired of everything...i wish anyone would come and deliver me from everything - thinking, feeling, working, being functional, BEING
aaah, i´m sorry that i´m writing always the same, at least it feels like that
i think that´s because it is always the same
the same mess
everyday again
yesterday i saw the perfect legs in the tram. i felt like i want to die right now in this moment.
the voices in my head started to battle each other
-you´re damn fat, you have to get thin again, i need these legs, oh my god
- it doesn´t matter how thin your legs are, this whole shit doesn´t matter, it´s a lie, you know that
and then i got sad because it´s so unfair that it IS a lie. why can´t this illusion be reality?
anytime i was drunk and i didn´t thought about the legs anymore, because i was busy with all this food on this party and much more with everything i ate. i don´t want to think about that right now, it´s such a shame...so no wonder why my body looks like this. i´m trying to tell myself, that it´s normal to eat things like that, at least in the world of others, and that other people eat a lot sometimes and they don´t get fatter just because of that, because the body is able to handle this - fuck, but i can´t trust this body in which i am that it is able to do the same.
and the voice of ED is telling me, i´m just weak, it was too much, i have to balance this now.
and i want to believe this voice - because i don´t want to be like i am - and this is so stupid because THAT IS THE LIE
but i´m tired of everything...i wish anyone would come and deliver me from everything - thinking, feeling, working, being functional, BEING
aaah, i´m sorry that i´m writing always the same, at least it feels like that
i think that´s because it is always the same
the same mess
everyday again
Abonnieren
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