*paradoxical goodbye

so this is going to be my last night
tomorrow i will drive to the clinic. paradoxical. everything. hoping this will change something and trying to get thinner in the last minutes i have at the same time
things like that
strange, but that´s the way it´s in my head - i mean i will go there because of anorexia, and that´s sure, but i´m still trying to be as thin as it´s possible when i´ll arrive there because i have to attest that i REALLY have an ED.
my god, and now i want to b/p, even though i was so fucking sure i won´t do that today because there´s always the risk to get a bloated tummy at the next day, which means i will look fat, and even if not (even if it´s just because of clothing) i will feel fat
horrible, this whole fucking shit
i hate it i hate it i hate it
i want to get out
tomorrow
here´s my chance
maybe

[why can´t i be thin?]

(...and why does this change nothing at all, even if i would be...)

time is ticking

my last week. the last week in this world. at least for the present. maybe forever...
i´ve got a place on a treatment program. and it starts next week. and i really don´t know how i feel about that. or rather it´s a mix out of different feelings and it´s always changing.
sometimes i´m just feeling eased and kind of happy when i think about that. because maybe this whole mess will have an end
sometimes i´m really afraid. what if this will change nothing? i think my biggest fear is that i´m just getting fat - fat in eyes like ours, probably "normal" at the rate of others - and that i will be able to eat "normal" and things like that, but that i will be just at the same place from which i started to take refuse in this world.
and sometimes, like today, everything feels incredible horrible. i don´t want to leave this world. i don´t want to get fat.

yesterday i ate absolutely nothing. so today i was back at my favourite number on the scale.
it seems like my bones were coming out more again.
some days ago i lost a ring just because i swinged my arm a little bit so it flew away from my finger. crazy.
and i have a new skirt. i really like it. but i can´t wear it. not because i´m too fat. it´s because i´m too thin for it. and it´s the smallest size. my god. kind of scary.
and maybe REALLY scary is the fact that it still feels too much.
i AM too much!

and even though i hate it and even though i often wish that i could get out and that it doesn´t matter anymore if my coffee looks too bright in my eyes because it was too much milk i put inside of it...damn, things like that, so trivial
but anyhow
it is a world
it is something
it´s always there
it turns me on
it makes sense
somehow

but maybe it is worth a try
(and now i know, i am able to get thinner...and if this whole thing doesn´t work, i can be sure, that there is something, that will work...there will always be the opportunity to come back...)

thinner thinner thinner [anything is working!]

my thighs are thinner!!! oh my god i´m so excited.
i saw it a little while ago, when i checked up my body in the mirror before i went into the shower. no doubt!
if i´m just standing there normal, my thighs don´t touch each other, but that´s nothing new. but if you move your pelvis forward and backward without moving your upper part of the body, then this changes.
so far my thighs were touching each other if i moved my pelvis just a little bit forward and in some bad times i even had to move it a little bit backward so that there´s this distance between them.
but today they are only touching each other if i move my pelvis forwards as much as i can.
oh my god. oh my god. oh my god.
i´m so happy. and proud. kind of proud. because whatever it was - i did something right!
even though i didn´t lose weight. but i´m getting thinner. and i knew that before. that you can get thinner without losing weight. i mean again and again i can see and feel my bones coming out more and more. and again and again i can see and feel new bones. and again and again i can see and feel my clothes are getting more roomy
or just when i stood under the shower i noticed that it´s getting harder to shave my underarms because it becomes more and more like holes
and that´s always great.
but today...it feels like as if there´s a smaller number on my scale. and i think you all know this feeling. it´s so special. i hope i don´t lose that for the rest of the day

the letch fucks the fawn

i should go to bed. i´ve slept 3hours last night. and i had a day full of action. but all in all...good...great...beautiful...even though sometimes exhausting...but however:

it was children´s day!
best day of the year.
(at least for me)

because of that i decided not to eat anything (yeah i know that´s what i decide nearly every day) and of course no binge/purge. failure at all! whole day nothing. but evening - fuck
i´m feeling horrible.
i would like to binge/purge again just to stop thinking and feeling anything. but my throat hurts. i really shouldn´t do that
there are these days or moments, which are beautiful, great, whatever. and you can´t really believe that this really happened. but you know it did. and everything is okay for one moment. or some more.
but then
anytime
you can be sure
it will come
the point...where this good feeling turns into something different.
kind of hard sadness.
mixed with something else.
i can´t really describe it
NEVERMIND

well well well well

i want to have this body and this beauty
of children
this thing you can´t really describe, because words will never be enough for that
this special kind of innocence
untouchable
but so dazzling

i want to be an elfin

something, that you see, and it touches you somewhere - deep inside, and you could never find words for that, because it´s so amazing
someone you would never never never like to fuck

my god i´m writing shit
sorry

illusions_fabrications_lies_lies_LIES