...but you can't keep holding out like this...

things are getting out of control.

it´s just too bad, and in fact really embarrassing, but i have to write it down - i hope this will have an effect, sort of a thinspiration the other way round, like if you don´t want to see the number on your scale, because you know that you´ve gained weight, but you do anyway, and sometimes this is shocking in such a way that it´s not really hard to stay in control for some time
however

yesterday i ate absolutely nothing all day long.
(maybe i could be proud of that, but i´m not because the following beats the pants off this little success)
at night i started a binge-purge-round without really thinking about it, i just did it because it became so normal. bullshit. to make matters worse i ate one potatoe, one apple and 3 (!!!!!!!!) toasts AFTER that - means it stayed inside my body.
i tried to tell myself that it doesn´t really matter, even though i KNOW for sure it does.
then i forced myself to go to bed.
and 4hours later i woke up. and i walked into the kitchen. and i took one gem. and ate it. and i took one potatoe. and ate it. and i went back to bed and tried to sleep. but it didn´t work because i felt so terrible full and terrible terrible fat and horrible bad.

i´m incredible weak and daffy

i really don´t know what´s wrong with me currently!
when i realised that there´s no chance to fall asleep again i started another binge-purge- mess. now i´m feeling better. a little bit. my stomach feels and looks like a balloon, but not as bad as before. but anyhow totally bloated. and my face..........

so
i have to stop to grouch now - it´s my own fault.

i need a plan. i must get back control! and i can´t wait for that or hope that it will come by itself. i did that all too often. and it didn´t really change a thing.
i don´t want to feel and look like a balloon anymore.
i don´t want to feel so bad and guilty because my power to refuse is fading away.
unfortunately i have to get back to my "ANA-set-point" first of all.
and THEN:
attain the goal!

i thought about this the whole day. and i´m intent on finding a plan. i read about the abc-thing in other blogs. maybe i will try to include this partly...but i´m not sure yet

it´s certain that i´ll buy a new scale.
the one i always used is a really really old one and you always have to adjust it before you can use it and things like that and however, i can´t trust this anymore.
and i decided to use this figuratively for a new start.

speculations
so far
but i´m working on it



ps
if anybody has found something to keep yourself away from binge-purge (which doesn´t "only" include control) > i would be so thankful if you would let me know