"apathy"

long time ago that i wrote something...
the story with this boy was over as quick as it started. i met him on a party the night after. i was drunk, but not drunk enough, when he told me that it was beautiful what happened there but "it stands separately". beautiful description for the fact, that it was a one-time thing. it leaves a little rest of worth.
however, i was pretty fucked up. for some days i seemed to drown in this horrible feeling of being something for filling a gap. i ate nearly nothing. i wasn´t able to.
my therapist asked me what i am going to do, and i said i will try to hold on, wait until this feeling will go away, because it will go away anytime, and i will force myself to eat.
and he asked: Why are you doing this to yourself?
crazy question. from my therapist. i thought i misunderstand him. but i didn´t. he really meant the fact that i´m forcing myself to eat.
so i said, i don´t know, maybe because i know that it´s a lie, and if i would go back i would be still less able to function than i am now, and i think it´s the only way to find out if it is possible to get better anytime...
but i thought about this very often. why am i doing this to myself?
nevermind
he told me something helpful how to handle bad feelings. i know that you can´t make them go away, even though i wish it would be possible. this works only sometimes for the moment, but they will come back. you have to bear the feelings until they go away by themselves. and you can amuse yourself. but now comes the point: you have to try to make things, which are giving you a positive feeling. sounds simple, but good. it makes sense. and i´m happy to know this, because it´s something i can do, so i felt a little bit less delivered.
now i´m back in my sludgy empty nothing-status.
i´ve started with antidepressants, but until now i don´t notice anything. the good thing is that they don´t have gain in weight as adverse reaction. this was my biggest fear. and the much better thing is, that sometimes loosing weight is possible. i hope i will be one of those to who this happens.
i wanted to write some more things, but now i´m just tired. of everything. like always. it´s getting worse. maybe this is an adverse reaction. in the package insert it´s called "apathy"... or maybe it´s just the way it is