caged in indecision

i didn´t buy a scale. another time i didn´t do it. and so many times i wanted to do so....
i´m afraid of the number which would scream at me. and i should not have one. it should not get a middle of my life again.
BUT
it´s so indescribable beautiful to see the number getting smaller and smaller...
and to see the bones coming out more and more...
i wish these thighs wouldn´t touch each other anymore on the top...
these god damn fucking thighs

i am caged in this indecision! what should i do, i wish someone could tell me...
going back, GETTING THIN, see smaller numbers, see bones, no touching thighs, no damn eating, something to hold on to... and coldness, binge/purge maybe, lying to everyone...
or
trying to hold on now, nothing to hold on to, just emptiness and sadness and pain, but no REAL ED which controls everything...

the first option sounds a bit better

i think i will go in a clinic again - and soon