but we are praying / in our minds / for a worthwhile being (happy?birthday)

tomorrow is my birthday
i hate birthdays
the only thing i like about that is when people think of you. especially special people. when they say beautiful things to you. which makes you feel special. and loved. somehow...
anyway it´s just a day like every other day! at least that´s what i´m trying to tell myself every damn year...but there´s this little difference to any other day...the fact that this is the day which bashed me into the world. into existance.
that this is the day from which the whole mess started. the sadness. the pain. the emptiness. the feeling of being worthless. no one.
somehow this makes me sad. i was just a little child, trying to survive, trying to split of all those things which were too much for me. too much to bear for a little child.
and now
as an "adult"
(whatever this may be)
i´m running into an eating disorder - again and again. i´m cutting myself. i´m getting drunk (that´s what i planned for tonight). i´m smoking as hell.
just to bear the moment. and to override those horrible feelings and commemorations which come always again - or which are still existing - from my childhood.
i know this will never go away. but i hope - really hope - that anytime it will be better somehow.
that i can learn to feel those feelings and to handle the things that happened -
which were NOT MY FAULT.

two hours left.

cheers