dear ambivalence

countdown.
deathline.
tomorrow i will go into a clinic again.

i know i need that. and i know i have to go there to have a chance for better times or at least any change.
but
on the other side i don´t want to. not now. it´s so soon. but probably it´s always soon. because i don´t think that i will be ever completely able to say: i want to give up my eating disorder.

today exactly one week no purging.
unbelieveable.
the tooth-thing was too terrifying.

it´s strange, but somehow i like my body sometimes. now. that it´s not as fat as before.
bones bones bones.
clothes, which are so roomy, even the smallest sizes. even those ones which were really tight on my set-point. crazy. and i fit again in these jeans, which were my favourite ones during my last ana-time.
xxs
i tried it yesterday, even though i was really afraid that i´m still too fat for it. my god...
i´m sorry - i just realized, that i´m talking about this clothing-thing very often (but i´m so so excited everytime i notice that - because it means i´m getting thinner, no matter what the scale or my disordered apperception tells me - clothes can´t really lie)

my thighs don´t touch each other anymore, if i´m standing and putting my feet together (so that they touch each other). an empty room from my feet up to my pelvis...

so
one of my most important goals is reached.
and tomorrow i have to start to give it up.
what a fuck.

i wish i could cry - because then i would do so right now, or later, or always



to all my official followers (and if there are any secret ones, then to you, too)

thank you for reading
thank you for all your wonderful comments, which made me feel a bit better sometimes
i wish you all energy to reach your small and big goals - however in which direction they are placed



[maybe we will "meet" again in this "place" - i´m sure i will come back for writing]