and somehow this hell is home

i lost nearly 4kg/8lbs in the last 4weeks i guess. so i think tomorrow i will reach my first goal weight. then only 2kg/4lbs until i will reach my next goal weight.
i hope i will do this in the next week. this will be hard work, but it would be worth it. because then is the prom of my younger sister and this will be a good time to be a bit thinner.
(even though it´s actually always good to be thinner...)
however. i´m curios if i will be able to reach the second goal weight in this time.
at the moment i don´t eat any bad things. i even stopped eating bread. i can´t. i can´t.
but yes, i AM a weak uncontrolled fatass, because i binge a lot of times, nearly every night. of course this is followed by purging. (the dentist-thing doesn´t matter anymore.) but i hate myself for that. i sweared to myself that i will NOT binge/purge today. and i´m still not sure if i will be able to. but i want to see my first goal weight tomorrow on this damn scale. and there is always the risk that something stays inside. and i can´t risk that.
sometimes i think about what if i would go again in a clinic and they would ask me what was the point where i went back into the ED.
and i don´t know an answer. i think it wasn´t one situation. i think it came back, slowly, bit by bit...and than...i don´t know. i decided to go into it really at one point. but i don´t know what this point was. maybe it was nothing special. maybe it was just the fact that i am alive. that everything is too much. that i don´t want to have this war inside of me every damn day.
"healthy" way vs. ED-way
and the winner is...