it´s a war

welcome to the new year. and everything is still the same.
yesterday i saw the perfect legs in the tram. i felt like i want to die right now in this moment.
the voices in my head started to battle each other
-you´re damn fat, you have to get thin again, i need these legs, oh my god
- it doesn´t matter how thin your legs are, this whole shit doesn´t matter, it´s a lie, you know that
and then i got sad because it´s so unfair that it IS a lie. why can´t this illusion be reality?
anytime i was drunk and i didn´t thought about the legs anymore, because i was busy with all this food on this party and much more with everything i ate. i don´t want to think about that right now, it´s such a shame...so no wonder why my body looks like this. i´m trying to tell myself, that it´s normal to eat things like that, at least in the world of others, and that other people eat a lot sometimes and they don´t get fatter just because of that, because the body is able to handle this - fuck, but i can´t trust this body in which i am that it is able to do the same.
and the voice of ED is telling me, i´m just weak, it was too much, i have to balance this now.
and i want to believe this voice - because i don´t want to be like i am - and this is so stupid because THAT IS THE LIE
but i´m tired of everything...i wish anyone would come and deliver me from everything - thinking, feeling, working, being functional, BEING
aaah, i´m sorry that i´m writing always the same, at least it feels like that
i think that´s because it is always the same
the same mess
everyday again