countdown.
deathline.
tomorrow i will go into a clinic again.
i know i need that. and i know i have to go there to have a chance for better times or at least any change.
but
on the other side i don´t want to. not now. it´s so soon. but probably it´s always soon. because i don´t think that i will be ever completely able to say: i want to give up my eating disorder.
today exactly one week no purging.
unbelieveable.
the tooth-thing was too terrifying.
it´s strange, but somehow i like my body sometimes. now. that it´s not as fat as before.
bones bones bones.
clothes, which are so roomy, even the smallest sizes. even those ones which were really tight on my set-point. crazy. and i fit again in these jeans, which were my favourite ones during my last ana-time.
xxs
i tried it yesterday, even though i was really afraid that i´m still too fat for it. my god...
i´m sorry - i just realized, that i´m talking about this clothing-thing very often (but i´m so so excited everytime i notice that - because it means i´m getting thinner, no matter what the scale or my disordered apperception tells me - clothes can´t really lie)
my thighs don´t touch each other anymore, if i´m standing and putting my feet together (so that they touch each other). an empty room from my feet up to my pelvis...
so
one of my most important goals is reached.
and tomorrow i have to start to give it up.
what a fuck.
i wish i could cry - because then i would do so right now, or later, or always
to all my official followers (and if there are any secret ones, then to you, too)
thank you for reading
thank you for all your wonderful comments, which made me feel a bit better sometimes
i wish you all energy to reach your small and big goals - however in which direction they are placed
[maybe we will "meet" again in this "place" - i´m sure i will come back for writing]
Montag, 19. Juli 2010
Dienstag, 13. Juli 2010
just need something to focus on
the dentist-story went on. they had to pull out a tooth - the one for which i had to pay so much money. fuck. this was yesterday. and since that i´m a mess. they told me that i must not put pressure on my mouth, because if i do, there´s the risk that the maxillary sinus gets an inflammation, and then they have to operate it.
when i was in front of the dentist door i started to cry because this was too much for me. no purging anymore!
but how should i be able to stop purging right now after months of nearly everyday binge/purge???
hell, i´m fucked up. totally.
i´m crabby. i´m not sure if i want to cry all the time, or screaming at people, or just die. whatever. collapse. disaster. i´m sorry for writing so stupid.
next week i´m back in a clinic again. so actually it should not matter that i can´t purge. ans maybe i could try to start eating "normal" again. but of course i don´t do that. i have to loose weight until i´m there because i don´t want to be that fat girl there. the one where people think: what? this fat ass should have an eating disorder? never.
i dreamed about that some time ago. i was in the clinic and everbody looked at me as if i´m at the wrong place. my god. this was an awful dream.
even though my scales are shit, i know i´m getting thinner.
i love my wrists. they are so beautiful. all these bones...
and my shoulders are nice, too. and my thighs nearly don´t touch each other anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so as i see - starving works!
i hope i´m strong enough not to purge. and that i don´t eat anything bad. here´s my chance!
when i was in front of the dentist door i started to cry because this was too much for me. no purging anymore!
but how should i be able to stop purging right now after months of nearly everyday binge/purge???
hell, i´m fucked up. totally.
i´m crabby. i´m not sure if i want to cry all the time, or screaming at people, or just die. whatever. collapse. disaster. i´m sorry for writing so stupid.
next week i´m back in a clinic again. so actually it should not matter that i can´t purge. ans maybe i could try to start eating "normal" again. but of course i don´t do that. i have to loose weight until i´m there because i don´t want to be that fat girl there. the one where people think: what? this fat ass should have an eating disorder? never.
i dreamed about that some time ago. i was in the clinic and everbody looked at me as if i´m at the wrong place. my god. this was an awful dream.
even though my scales are shit, i know i´m getting thinner.
i love my wrists. they are so beautiful. all these bones...
and my shoulders are nice, too. and my thighs nearly don´t touch each other anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so as i see - starving works!
i hope i´m strong enough not to purge. and that i don´t eat anything bad. here´s my chance!
Dienstag, 29. Juni 2010
but we are praying / in our minds / for a worthwhile being (happy?birthday)
tomorrow is my birthday
i hate birthdays
the only thing i like about that is when people think of you. especially special people. when they say beautiful things to you. which makes you feel special. and loved. somehow...
anyway it´s just a day like every other day! at least that´s what i´m trying to tell myself every damn year...but there´s this little difference to any other day...the fact that this is the day which bashed me into the world. into existance.
that this is the day from which the whole mess started. the sadness. the pain. the emptiness. the feeling of being worthless. no one.
somehow this makes me sad. i was just a little child, trying to survive, trying to split of all those things which were too much for me. too much to bear for a little child.
and now
as an "adult"
(whatever this may be)
i´m running into an eating disorder - again and again. i´m cutting myself. i´m getting drunk (that´s what i planned for tonight). i´m smoking as hell.
just to bear the moment. and to override those horrible feelings and commemorations which come always again - or which are still existing - from my childhood.
i know this will never go away. but i hope - really hope - that anytime it will be better somehow.
that i can learn to feel those feelings and to handle the things that happened -
which were NOT MY FAULT.
two hours left.
cheers
i hate birthdays
the only thing i like about that is when people think of you. especially special people. when they say beautiful things to you. which makes you feel special. and loved. somehow...
anyway it´s just a day like every other day! at least that´s what i´m trying to tell myself every damn year...but there´s this little difference to any other day...the fact that this is the day which bashed me into the world. into existance.
that this is the day from which the whole mess started. the sadness. the pain. the emptiness. the feeling of being worthless. no one.
somehow this makes me sad. i was just a little child, trying to survive, trying to split of all those things which were too much for me. too much to bear for a little child.
and now
as an "adult"
(whatever this may be)
i´m running into an eating disorder - again and again. i´m cutting myself. i´m getting drunk (that´s what i planned for tonight). i´m smoking as hell.
just to bear the moment. and to override those horrible feelings and commemorations which come always again - or which are still existing - from my childhood.
i know this will never go away. but i hope - really hope - that anytime it will be better somehow.
that i can learn to feel those feelings and to handle the things that happened -
which were NOT MY FAULT.
two hours left.
cheers
cause and effect
still the same weight.
and i still don´t understand that.
but however
as i learned during my first ana-time i know that i´m getting thinner without loosing weight on the scale. i can see it again. i can feel it again.
i can see bones again which were not visual before. i can feel all my bones much more again. some clothes are roomy now. when i was swimming last week i was afraid to loose my panties. the water was flowing through the gap between my hip-bones. hell. what a great feeling.
and my ass got smaller. (i can see that on my panties, too)
so
the point is that i´m trying to put all my concentration on these facts. because then i´m not getting too upset because of this damn weight. weight. weight. weight.
it´s ONLY A NUMBER. important is what you can SEE. nobody can see the number (without me standing on a scale in front of anyone - and this will not happen). but everybody can see parts of my body which are not hidden behind roomy clothes.
there is a wonderful beautiful new boy in my life.the first thing he said about my body was
"you have beautiful legs"
i thought i misunderstand him.
next
"beautiful stomach"
hell he´s crazy
those two parts of my body which i hate the most!
and he said many times how beautiful my body is.
strange
(but as we all know the word"beautiful" means something different in a world like ours...just like the word "thin")
i wonder if he would still think it´s "beautiful" if i would be a little bit more fat...
nevermind. that´s not the fact right now.
by the way the two scales i have are damn shit. they are still showing different numbers at the same times. maybe i lost weight but they don´t show it? argh, i need to know that...
however, i will work on every day.
i have to!
and i still don´t understand that.
but however
as i learned during my first ana-time i know that i´m getting thinner without loosing weight on the scale. i can see it again. i can feel it again.
i can see bones again which were not visual before. i can feel all my bones much more again. some clothes are roomy now. when i was swimming last week i was afraid to loose my panties. the water was flowing through the gap between my hip-bones. hell. what a great feeling.
and my ass got smaller. (i can see that on my panties, too)
so
the point is that i´m trying to put all my concentration on these facts. because then i´m not getting too upset because of this damn weight. weight. weight. weight.
it´s ONLY A NUMBER. important is what you can SEE. nobody can see the number (without me standing on a scale in front of anyone - and this will not happen). but everybody can see parts of my body which are not hidden behind roomy clothes.
there is a wonderful beautiful new boy in my life.the first thing he said about my body was
"you have beautiful legs"
i thought i misunderstand him.
next
"beautiful stomach"
hell he´s crazy
those two parts of my body which i hate the most!
and he said many times how beautiful my body is.
strange
(but as we all know the word"beautiful" means something different in a world like ours...just like the word "thin")
i wonder if he would still think it´s "beautiful" if i would be a little bit more fat...
nevermind. that´s not the fact right now.
by the way the two scales i have are damn shit. they are still showing different numbers at the same times. maybe i lost weight but they don´t show it? argh, i need to know that...
however, i will work on every day.
i have to!
Freitag, 18. Juni 2010
oh sweet starvation - please work again
my weight stagnates on my first goal weight.
damn shit.
i don´t understand that! maybe some binge-rests always stay inside after purging - but i don´t notice that?
i bought another scale. i can´t trust the first one. but now it´s even more confusing because they show different numbers at the same time. strange strange strange
but however - at the moment nothing works and i don´t know why and this makes me INSANE
damn shit.
i don´t understand that! maybe some binge-rests always stay inside after purging - but i don´t notice that?
i bought another scale. i can´t trust the first one. but now it´s even more confusing because they show different numbers at the same time. strange strange strange
but however - at the moment nothing works and i don´t know why and this makes me INSANE
Freitag, 11. Juni 2010
and somehow this hell is home
i lost nearly 4kg/8lbs in the last 4weeks i guess. so i think tomorrow i will reach my first goal weight. then only 2kg/4lbs until i will reach my next goal weight.
i hope i will do this in the next week. this will be hard work, but it would be worth it. because then is the prom of my younger sister and this will be a good time to be a bit thinner.
(even though it´s actually always good to be thinner...)
however. i´m curios if i will be able to reach the second goal weight in this time.
at the moment i don´t eat any bad things. i even stopped eating bread. i can´t. i can´t.
but yes, i AM a weak uncontrolled fatass, because i binge a lot of times, nearly every night. of course this is followed by purging. (the dentist-thing doesn´t matter anymore.) but i hate myself for that. i sweared to myself that i will NOT binge/purge today. and i´m still not sure if i will be able to. but i want to see my first goal weight tomorrow on this damn scale. and there is always the risk that something stays inside. and i can´t risk that.
sometimes i think about what if i would go again in a clinic and they would ask me what was the point where i went back into the ED.
and i don´t know an answer. i think it wasn´t one situation. i think it came back, slowly, bit by bit...and than...i don´t know. i decided to go into it really at one point. but i don´t know what this point was. maybe it was nothing special. maybe it was just the fact that i am alive. that everything is too much. that i don´t want to have this war inside of me every damn day.
"healthy" way vs. ED-way
and the winner is...
i hope i will do this in the next week. this will be hard work, but it would be worth it. because then is the prom of my younger sister and this will be a good time to be a bit thinner.
(even though it´s actually always good to be thinner...)
however. i´m curios if i will be able to reach the second goal weight in this time.
at the moment i don´t eat any bad things. i even stopped eating bread. i can´t. i can´t.
but yes, i AM a weak uncontrolled fatass, because i binge a lot of times, nearly every night. of course this is followed by purging. (the dentist-thing doesn´t matter anymore.) but i hate myself for that. i sweared to myself that i will NOT binge/purge today. and i´m still not sure if i will be able to. but i want to see my first goal weight tomorrow on this damn scale. and there is always the risk that something stays inside. and i can´t risk that.
sometimes i think about what if i would go again in a clinic and they would ask me what was the point where i went back into the ED.
and i don´t know an answer. i think it wasn´t one situation. i think it came back, slowly, bit by bit...and than...i don´t know. i decided to go into it really at one point. but i don´t know what this point was. maybe it was nothing special. maybe it was just the fact that i am alive. that everything is too much. that i don´t want to have this war inside of me every damn day.
"healthy" way vs. ED-way
and the winner is...
Freitag, 4. Juni 2010
flashpoint
i bought a scale
finally
now it feels like i´m back. like this is the point where i could say it´s starting again.
even though it started so long before again. was it ever really over...however
i lost weight! really. and it´s brilliant.
of course i´m feeling fat always, but now i always know that i´m doing something against it and that it´s starting to work.
my fridge looks funny. vegetables, fruits, low fat curd cheese, some juice, water. that´s it. i depolluted everything else when it started to mildew because i didn´t eat it anymore.
i´m feeling strong somehow. it feels right. it feels like there is something again. and i know that something good is coming in the future. something which is worth it. i´m so excited for these moments when i will see smaller numbers again and these weight-goals i want to reach.
i can feel my hip bones much more than before. i love it.
i´m trying to hold on to these things. i don´t want to think about all this shit everywhere. this damn job. this guy who fucked me. this ugly disgusting feeling because of that. the emptiness. this whole thing called existance.
instead
i´m loosing weight!
finally
now it feels like i´m back. like this is the point where i could say it´s starting again.
even though it started so long before again. was it ever really over...however
i lost weight! really. and it´s brilliant.
of course i´m feeling fat always, but now i always know that i´m doing something against it and that it´s starting to work.
my fridge looks funny. vegetables, fruits, low fat curd cheese, some juice, water. that´s it. i depolluted everything else when it started to mildew because i didn´t eat it anymore.
i´m feeling strong somehow. it feels right. it feels like there is something again. and i know that something good is coming in the future. something which is worth it. i´m so excited for these moments when i will see smaller numbers again and these weight-goals i want to reach.
i can feel my hip bones much more than before. i love it.
i´m trying to hold on to these things. i don´t want to think about all this shit everywhere. this damn job. this guy who fucked me. this ugly disgusting feeling because of that. the emptiness. this whole thing called existance.
instead
i´m loosing weight!
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