and the reaction is...

i just watched a flat because i need a new room. it was beautiful and the persons who live there are nice and i thought, wow, it would be great to live here. but then i asked about smoking and they don´t smoke inside there, only on the balcony. so this story was over.
fuck
i drove back in my flat and when i arrived in my room i had this feeling, when everything inside of you is screaming for food, anything to eat. it´s so crazy. pefect example for this whole mess. something bad happens and the reaction is desire for food.
i ate a jogurt (low-fat, of course, but 59kcal nevertheless, damn shit). and now i´m starting to get drunk. (much more calories, i know, i know)
it´s funny, tomorrow i have the next meeting with my new therapist. i think he will be upset because of the alcohol. but i don´t care about that. it´s better than eating. or b/p. or cutting (which would be not possible because i don´t have any razorblades).
i should tell myself that this means that any better room/flat is waiting for me. and that it´s good, maybe, because they are medics so there would be the risk that they´ll notice something of the rest of my ED.
but it doesn´t work right now to flush away this not differentiable bad feeling.
so. another cigarette. another drink.
cheers