how we got insane?

today - two weeks no binge/purging.
two weeks
longest time since nearly one year.
wow.
somehow i´m proud of myself.
otherwise, it sounds so stupid. and if i think about it, it´s actually so damn sad. miserbale.
i´m feeling horrible. right now i can FEEL it.
i tried to ignore it, i tried to concentrate on all these good things which happen, which ARE. there is no reason to feel like this, if there are so much beautiful things...
but anyhow i knew, there is this emptiness and sadness, which i can´t describe.
it´s inside, always, no matter what´s happening outside.
sometimes it´s hidden, sometimes i can ignore it, sometimes it seems to be away, because other things, feelings, are stronger, just for a moment...
and i don´t want it to come back.
but it does.
no place to hide.
"will you be fast enough to lose them - or will they catch you...
run for your life"

just one hour ago i was together with a beautiful person
who look sat me like i´m special, who gives me that feeling, who says this to me
i should be happy, it´s so amazing, yes it is, and i felt happy, much more than that, i can´t describe how wonderful i felt
but now, i´m in my flat, and it seems like a whole crash

it doesn´t make sense