disgusting confusion

last night i was together with a boy. until today afternoon. i stayed over in his bed. he was the one who started to kiss me. and then the story went on...
i´m sorry for him that he had to touch such a body. finally it was his decision. but i´m feeling horrible about that. all this fat. ugly.
that´s what i feel like, now. i want to cry but i can´t. i ate nothing today. i can´t. i have a disgusting feeling in my stomach. and everywhere. not even any desire for food. that´s good.
i really don´t want to know what he is thinking now about me. fat cow? which is not able to function in bed? yes, this would be what it is. i hate such things and i don´t know why i didn´t stop it before all was too late. it was beautiful until it turned into something carnal. it´s disgusting. it destroys everything. but maybe it doesn´t matter because it was nothing that could ever work. this story. with him. anytime it would be over anyway. that´s the way it is. always. so...however.
i will get drunk again later. i hope this will help somehow